World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day

To give proper recognition to WNAAD which stands for World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day I thought I’d do a blog.

I haven’t blogged about this for a long time and if I was to be 100% transparent with you it’s because I felt like I was being a bit annoying with all of my blogs about narcissism (which I’ve come to realize is too bad really) and honestly I didn’t want to continue giving any more time or credibility to my abuser; they love the attention after all.

The thing is, when you talk about narcissistic abuse people are ‘uncomfortable’ with it. They either think you are lying or fabricating much of it (because admittedly it’s pretty elaborate) or they’re simply ‘tired’ of hearing about it and wish you’d just get over it and move on.

Screw them though right? I mean really. Their ignorance is not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but instead of trying to understand the significance of this emotional and psychological abuse on you they’d much rather just pretend it didn’t happen. Let’s face it though if there is one thing your abuser is good at its convincing others that they are a good person. So if you keep telling this horrific story of this good, charming and wonderful person than that must mean you are crazy or jealous or worse, a liar. Seriously though the narcissist convinced YOU that they were a good person too. You loved them and wanted to take care of them. You wanted to help them get through their terrible lives. You wanted to be the one that loved them the best because they were so damaged and sad. It only makes sense that other people are going to see them in this light too, so don’t be too hard on everyone. Like an award winning actor narcissists spend so much time fabricating their persona right up to the phrases they’ll say to you during their love-bombing phase and the cruel way they plan to discard you; it’s all scripted.

For those in your life that make you feel ‘bad’ for telling your story; kindly ask them to exit stage left. If you have suffered at the hands of an emotional and/or psychological abuser please tell your story and don’t stop telling it. You are a beacon of light to many people struggling through this, a wealth of knowledge, a mentor and in many ways a friend.

According to Psych Central a well-regarded on-line magazine; over 158 million people in the U.S. alone are affected by some type of emotional and psychological abuse. It is recognized now as a legitimate form of abuse and forms part of the DSM IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical manual of Mental Disorders). In modern day “Narcissist” is often an overused term (like many psychological disorders) which unfortunately dilutes the issue of narcissism. People who take selfie’s have been deemed narcissists; if only those deeming them that way understood the horrors that an actual narcissist inflicts on people. One of the reasons it’s very difficult for people to understand this abuse is because it leaves no visible scarring, bruises or broken bones (although in some cases like the case of Scott Peterson it could result in death).

Apparently narcissism is on the rise, although I’d hazard a guess it’s just more recognized than it ever was before. According to the same article in Psych Central that I referred to above 1 in 25 people have a disorder associated with no conscience. That is a lot of people when you think of it. If the average narcissist has approximately 5 partners that they abuse in their lifetimes then I’d say there are a lot of survivors out there and unfortunately many of them won’t talk about it.

Why not talk about it? You are humiliated and embarrassed! You are left to wonder how this ever happened to someone like you. With techniques like gas-lighting, many people (myself included) have no idea what is happening until they’ve been discarded. Even a few days after the discard where I was in utter shock and disbelief I was still supporting him, I didn’t want any harm to come his way. Narcissistic abuse is so covert that during the abuse you actually believe they love and care about you. The ultimate goal of a narcissist is to take everything that is you away from you. If you are confident they will tap into this. If you have money they will spend it. These people are emotional vampires and they will not leave you alone until they’ve drained every last ounce of ‘supply’ that you can provide to them.

My narc (pet name for the narcissist who tried to destroy me) was domineering, selfish, extremely jealous and possessive, manipulative and intimidating. These character traits are aligned with many other survivors I’ve spoken to however financial abuse is high on the list as well.

My narc could look at me from across a crowded room and I knew I had to either shut up (because I was too loud) or stop talking to whomever I was talking too (if it was a man I automatically wanted to sleep with him). He did all of this while talking and smiling and joking to others. Never a hand was lifted, never was I yelled at in front of anyone. Just this contemptuous grin once our eyes would meet and then I knew I was in trouble. I was only allowed to wear dresses when he came to town. He would remind me daily that who I thought were my friends were really not my friends at all (isolation). My narc would tell me all of the people that he ‘knew’ who did not like me and how lucky I was to be in the situation I was in because of him; I needed him. He would say “You are MINE” or comment on how long I might have spent talking to another man in the room. All of this seems so telling and obvious right? It does yes, but because this type of abuse is cumulative (done over such a long period of time) it just becomes a strange and normal way of thinking. You feel bad and apologetic all of the time. His possessiveness and jealousy looked like love. I spent most of this relationship apologizing to him for things I wasn’t sure I was doing.

We as people assume that others have the best intentions, never do we imagine that someone is trying to hurt us intentionally.

Narcissistic abuse not only effects your mental health but also your physical body. I was always exhausted in this relationship. Doctors say that the prolonged activation of your body’s stress signals will do this. Some of the ways in which I was personally effected include:

Discontinuing exercise – I used to work out 5 days a week and just stopped

Adrenal fatigue (which includes hair loss, fatigue and light headedness)

Weight gain

Insomnia

CPTSD (reliving the events daily, avoiding places and situations, depression)

Digestive Issues

Anxiety

These symptoms can last for years after the relationship has ended.

In addition to all of these things one thing that exposure to this abuse does is give you unrealistic expectations of your new partner. This is one of the reasons you should take time alone to heal.

An example of this could be the way you feel at the beginning of your new relationship. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is nothing short of AMAZING. It’s like you were the star of your own romantic movie. They go out of their way to plan the perfect dates – the most elaborate get-away. They spend hours asking you questions about yourself. What is your favorite food? What is your favorite colour? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What is the most important thing in your life? Etc. This my friends is called the LOVE-BOMBING stage and the reason it feels like a romantic movie is because it’s completely scripted! It’s NOT NORMAL. It is very difficult to come to terms with this but it’s something you need to understand. All of those things you shared during the love bombing stage will be used against you later in the gas lighting and discard phase; keep that in mind.

In writing about this abuse I have had the honor of meeting (and re-meeting) so many fabulous people. I say  ‘re-meet’ because after telling my story, people I’ve known for years reached out to me and shared with me their own stories of this abuse. I will forever be grateful for that. I do still suffer some adverse side effects from my experience but I am happy today. I am grounded. I have boundaries.

To those of you reading this that are quietly suffering, who think that life will not get better; I promise you it will. To those of you who know someone who has suffered from this type of abuse, please do not brush them under the table, belittle them or disbelieve them. Know that in doing those things you are contributing to the abuse overall and causing more damage. Lastly to those of you brave enough to tell your story, please keep telling it! The more visibility we bring to narcissistic abuse the less likely those that we love will be adversely affected by it in the future.