Standing Naked - Vulnerability

Vulnerability.

What does this mean?

When I feel vulnerable I feel completely naked and exposed standing in front of a grand audience. I feel like I’m going to either cry, lash out in anger or die.

Feeling vulnerable is not easy in fact it is downright terrifying.

The older I get the more often I choose to be vulnerable. I’m not certain I know exactly why this is. Perhaps it’s because my need for approval is not as high as it once was or maybe it’s because I’ve been practicing a bit more self-love these days, but whatever the reason I often stand naked awaiting judgement.

A long time ago now my husband whom I trusted (mostly) cheated on me. After that relationship dissolved I said that I would NEVER enter into another situation where I gave myself fully to another person again; no way was I ever going to get vulnerable, and yet I did. That next relationship which was harmful and abusive absolutely broke me. For a short time after that I decided that loving someone and being vulnerable was not worth it anymore in fact, I truly believed that if I did it again it would literally be the end of me. I felt so strongly in my heart that there was no way I could ever survive it but as I learned in putting myself back together it’s amazing the things we can survive.

When I met my current partner I was absolutely terrified (and some days I still am). I had learned however that without vulnerability I was choosing to never have a close relationship ever again. 

Without vulnerability I would never learn how to trust myself again.

Yes, I said trust myself because somewhere I blamed myself for not being good enough. Somewhere along the way instead of seeing the situations for what they were, instead of seeing weak character or people that had not yet grown, I blamed myself for believing they could actually love me; after so much had happened in my life I actually wondered to myself why I ever thought loving me was possible.

When you’ve been broken and you’re forced to put yourself back together it is sometimes the greatest gift you could ever receive no matter how difficult the rebuilding goes.

Vulnerability means being authentic. I was always so worried about being authentic, but unless you’re truly authentic how can you be truly vulnerable?

Standing there naked means “Here I am-all of me-my silly bits-my baggage-my heckle-my loudness-my insecurities-my fears-my bad jokes-my old body-Here I am, and I’m going to disagree with you-I have my own opinions-I have trust issues-I can be annoying. Here I am-All of me”.

That’s vulnerability.

I used to ask myself (and sometimes I still do) “Who do you think you are”? You don’t have a master’s degree or a Ph.D. You don’t come from money, you’re just a farm girl from small town Ontario; you’re not really an expert in anything, so why do you blog about things like vulnerability when in a nutshell no one cares? We ask ourselves questions like this and fear being vulnerable because we often feel like we are not good enough. As time passes however you realize you really are no different than anyone else.

 I have met many a CEO who thinks that because they have a degree it makes them automatically smarter or it somehow gives them permission to speak about these things when in actuality they have less life experience. People (once me) look up to them blindly because for some reason we feel that they must be smarter or better than us in some way.

I once had an arrogant and egotistical senior leader. This one time he sat me down over drinks and started to ask me pointed questions about things. If you know me well enough you’ll know that I’m a terrible liar (especially after a glass of wine) and if you ask me pointed or direct questions I am going to give you my honest answer. I was so worried about this person ‘liking’ me because I had heard they didn’t so I was very careful when answering but instead of listening to my answers he took it as an opportunity to ask me if I had ever tried being humble? I was so shocked because his words seemed to have no place in our discussion but also because I felt in that moment so naked and exposed. I felt like I should apologize for my answers but realized how truly ignorant he was; his position of power was granted by circumstance. 

This happens so often in business and in life that we feel we need to conform, agree and smile. It happens so much that we become terrified of being vulnerable because that means we must also be authentic.

Not all leaders are this way, this was an example. Sometimes it doesn’t come from a person in a position of power but from someone we look up to. Sometimes we are lucky enough to find and work with genuine and authentic leaders or know amazingly inspiring people and when we do our experiences are rich.

In my humble opinion we all have a story and we all have merit. Being vulnerable and authentic is the only way to experience a true and fulfilling human experience.

So try it! Strip yourself of the mask and stand naked and vulnerable (don’t really stand naked unless this is your thing).

Trust me the right people will respect you for it, but most important you will learn how to love and respect your authentic self.