Building Boundaries
Recently I had someone reach out to me and ask me, after everything I've been through what was my most valuable life lesson?
I've been through a lot in my life, from childhood to present so I first thought this might be really hard for me to answer.
But it wasn't, it came to me right away.
Loud and clear.
I've learned many lessons in life (and I'm not done) but by far this was the most profound.
I was sitting in my shrinks office and she said "but where are your boundaries?" What the actual F is she talking about right? I mean spewing out new aged shit was exactly the reason I didn't want to go to see a shrink in the first place; I knew I shouldn't have gone.
You see at that time I had no concept at all of what she even meant or what a boundary was or how they applied to me, it was completely foreign.
What were my boundaries? I was stumped.
For as far back as I can remember my boundaries were essentially non-existent. I didn't have any.
All I ever cared about for my entire life up until this point was ensuring that people liked me. That I didn't disappoint anyone; that I didn't hurt their feelings. When you're in this place what Oprah has referred to as the "disease to please" then how can you have boundaries?
You can't.
So as life would have it in my 40's after a very abusive and destructive relationship and several trips to the shrink I finally learned the concept of boundaries. I'm still a work in progress and sometimes my boundaries change daily. I find I recognize when a boundary is necessary by that feeling I get in my stomach. I am determining what is OK and what is not OK and sometimes I don't know until the situation arises.
How had I not had any boundaries (a.k.a. self-respect) for most of my life? Especially when they set the precedent for so many other things? Many situations were explained to me in that moment of realization including the reason why I was often so angry, resentful and tired.
I've always considered myself compassionate and empathetic but how could I truly be those things without any established boundary? I needed to build some! Please note, building or creating boundaries is very different than building walls, it's important that you understand this.
It has been an interesting journey so far and has opened my eyes to many things. It's an odd feeling the first time someone crosses one of those boundaries, especially if the person crossing it knew you previously had none.
I was apologetic for saying "no".
I was apologetic for saying "I disagree".
After you establish your boundaries you quickly notice how some of your relationships are very one-sided. There are people out there who befriend you because of your lack of boundaries. In some cases they exploit you and take advantage of you. Suddenly as if over night I realized that I could control those uncomfortable feelings I felt when someone made me feel bad for doing something I didn't want to do, or talked to me in a way that humiliated me.
I had 100% control over this!
Of course this meant that some of these relationships had to be terminated and/or righted in some way. Once this task was done I felt an incredible heaviness lifted from me. Their drama was gone. I owned myself once again. Listen, if people are mad at your for saying no to them or having a difference of opinion then that is their problem. I don't owe them an explanation for my no, because as cliche as it may sound 'no' is a complete sentence. Know this, there is a respectful way to say no to someone. When we say no or stand up for ourselves we don't need to be mean and tactless about it. If you feel the need to 'attack' it means you're feeling backed into a corner and that's fear. (It's also an entirely different blog).
Boundaries mean ---- "I love me!"
Boundaries mean ---- "I respect me!"
I don't care if it's your personal life or your work life, YOU are entitled to your boundaries.
Since establishing my own boundaries (I keep wanting to write Heather - Est. 2018) I feel so free. I feel more confident and self-assured. Yes, my first No's were very hard to articulate. They were quick and quiet and I felt the need to explain myself each and every time.
As with anything else this passes. My shy No's have become a firm "no thanks".
Practice, it becomes easier each time.
I've been through a lot in my life, from childhood to present so I first thought this might be really hard for me to answer.
But it wasn't, it came to me right away.
Loud and clear.
I've learned many lessons in life (and I'm not done) but by far this was the most profound.
I was sitting in my shrinks office and she said "but where are your boundaries?" What the actual F is she talking about right? I mean spewing out new aged shit was exactly the reason I didn't want to go to see a shrink in the first place; I knew I shouldn't have gone.
You see at that time I had no concept at all of what she even meant or what a boundary was or how they applied to me, it was completely foreign.
What were my boundaries? I was stumped.
For as far back as I can remember my boundaries were essentially non-existent. I didn't have any.
All I ever cared about for my entire life up until this point was ensuring that people liked me. That I didn't disappoint anyone; that I didn't hurt their feelings. When you're in this place what Oprah has referred to as the "disease to please" then how can you have boundaries?
You can't.
So as life would have it in my 40's after a very abusive and destructive relationship and several trips to the shrink I finally learned the concept of boundaries. I'm still a work in progress and sometimes my boundaries change daily. I find I recognize when a boundary is necessary by that feeling I get in my stomach. I am determining what is OK and what is not OK and sometimes I don't know until the situation arises.
How had I not had any boundaries (a.k.a. self-respect) for most of my life? Especially when they set the precedent for so many other things? Many situations were explained to me in that moment of realization including the reason why I was often so angry, resentful and tired.
I've always considered myself compassionate and empathetic but how could I truly be those things without any established boundary? I needed to build some! Please note, building or creating boundaries is very different than building walls, it's important that you understand this.
It has been an interesting journey so far and has opened my eyes to many things. It's an odd feeling the first time someone crosses one of those boundaries, especially if the person crossing it knew you previously had none.
I was apologetic for saying "no".
I was apologetic for saying "I disagree".
After you establish your boundaries you quickly notice how some of your relationships are very one-sided. There are people out there who befriend you because of your lack of boundaries. In some cases they exploit you and take advantage of you. Suddenly as if over night I realized that I could control those uncomfortable feelings I felt when someone made me feel bad for doing something I didn't want to do, or talked to me in a way that humiliated me.
I had 100% control over this!
Of course this meant that some of these relationships had to be terminated and/or righted in some way. Once this task was done I felt an incredible heaviness lifted from me. Their drama was gone. I owned myself once again. Listen, if people are mad at your for saying no to them or having a difference of opinion then that is their problem. I don't owe them an explanation for my no, because as cliche as it may sound 'no' is a complete sentence. Know this, there is a respectful way to say no to someone. When we say no or stand up for ourselves we don't need to be mean and tactless about it. If you feel the need to 'attack' it means you're feeling backed into a corner and that's fear. (It's also an entirely different blog).
Boundaries mean ---- "I love me!"
Boundaries mean ---- "I respect me!"
I don't care if it's your personal life or your work life, YOU are entitled to your boundaries.
Since establishing my own boundaries (I keep wanting to write Heather - Est. 2018) I feel so free. I feel more confident and self-assured. Yes, my first No's were very hard to articulate. They were quick and quiet and I felt the need to explain myself each and every time.
As with anything else this passes. My shy No's have become a firm "no thanks".
Practice, it becomes easier each time.
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