The Art of Looking Down

When healing from mental and emotional abuse the things once ingrained in your head by your abuser become glaringly apparent once that relationship has ended.

Prior to my relationship with a narcissist I was a head up girl. What I mean by ‘head up’ was that I always smiled at people and I always looked at them in the face. I used to laugh at this because being raised in a very small town where you know everyone, behaviours like this are just second nature. It would be rude if I didn’t make eye contact and say hi to everyone because chances are I knew them.

I moved to Toronto and still practiced this, sometimes to the ‘horror’ of subway goers who would look at me with great suspicion if I smiled at them or said ‘good morning’; still this is who I was – who I am still.

In my healing after narcissistic abuse I realized that I’d lost that. I had lost the eye contact – good morning approach. In fact (and especially if passing another male) I had learned the fine art of looking down.

Somewhere in my relationship with my narcissist I had become afraid of making eye contact for fear I would invite unwanted attention to myself. I was anxious that in some way making eye contact or saying good morning would be construed as flirting.

This didn’t just occur with strangers. If there was someone in my circle (friend or professional) that I had already been accused of flirting with or who was somewhat attractive then each interaction with them was pained. I had become socially awkward (something I had really never been before). Not only was I afraid to make eye contact but I was weary of any ‘real’ conversation.

Looking down had become my saving grace.

Even still however I would be accused of flirting or being disrespectful. If it wasn’t the way I looked or spoke to people it was the way I twist my hair when I get nervous, or the clothing I chose to wear. 

It had become a lose-lose situation.

The last 6-9 months of that relationship I was afraid to do many things. It’s not really about looking down, it’s full on survival mode. Friends or business associates (the male version) would ask me for dinner and I would fret about it for days. Men who were happily married or in other relationships who I either reported to in some way or were my friends were suddenly people that I tried hard to avoid. 

He would tell me what to say and what not to say to the point where I was nervous to say anything and always (yes ALWAYS) I would get some sort of report back that I had ‘failed’. I had acted or said something inappropriate, if I arrived home at 10 and dinner ended at 8:30 then what was I doing with them? This was such a stressful time because I would go through these conversations over and over and felt so helpless and frustrated as to what I’d done or said wrong.

I don’t know how I arrived at that place, but I had.

Ironically I discovered later that he was manipulating my relationships with these people on his end. He was getting ready to discard me and when he did he was hoping that he’d have their full support. After all I was some crazed and obsessed woman who he barely knew and couldn’t shake.

I’ve had other relationships in my life and never once have I felt it necessary to avoid conversation, dress a certain way, or look down. I did not recognize this as abuse when I was in the situation, but see now how abuses like this occur over time and can empathize now with women I used to feel were oppressed by their relationships. If I’ve learned one valuable lesson it’s to never judge. We have no idea what others are facing every day.

Today I still work on it. It’s harder than it sounds.

If you are in this situation let me be clear about a few things. Looking at people in the eye is a sign of respect, it does not mean you are hitting on them. 

Speaking to people; saying ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ makes you a decent person. It does not indicate that you are somehow ‘loose’ and looking to pick up.

The brainwashing that occurs during the gas lighting phase of the narcissistic relationship is serious and profound. If you find yourself struggling with these issues my best advice is to discuss them with your therapist.

In the meantime, look up there is so much to see.