Everything Really Does Happen For a Reason

Some people really hate that saying “Everything happens for a reason”; I truly believe that it does. I don’t live a charmed life. I’ve lost people that were my world. I’ve been through things that made me strong. Love has left me empty handed. Still, I believe it all means something. I am feeling good these days about where I am in my healing after narcissistic abuse. 

Every morning I wake up and remind myself that I can do this (yes still). I will never diminish the pain of domestic abuse of any kind, but through it I’ve found three very positive outcomes.

Boundaries

I have always had good boundaries with people. Friends, co-workers, business associates. I have never had good boundaries when it comes to men. 

I didn’t even really understand boundaries or the importance of them until one day  I was brought to my knees and had nowhere else to turn but inwards. Although my pendulum has probably swung a little too far the other way when it comes to men, I can feel it coming to some midpoint and I’m feeling good about that. 

Now that these boundaries are in place I can’t believe I never had them before. My father killed himself when I was only eight years old. I think that could be when I decided that I was not good enough. All I wanted was for a man to accept me and I was willing to change and adapt in order for that to happen. I had never thought of myself as good enough without a man, therefore my boundaries with them where whatever they wanted them to be. 

I rank this as the number number one positive thing that has come out of my abusive relationship.

Knowing Your Worth

I’ve never understood my own worth in part because I’ve never really loved myself. Why would someone want to be with me when I have very little to offer? In my mind I felt that people would leave me or cheat on me because I held no value when in reality their choices to do these things had very little if nothing to do with me. 

My father for instance did not decide that his eight year old daughter was worthless and subsequently kill himself. 

My ex-husband did not decide that I was not enough before he cheated on me; he felt that he was not enough and went looking for acceptance. 

My narcissist left me because I was no longer feeding him the supply he so needed.

I was a victim of a narcissist because my worth is actually quite high and unfortunately it took this event for me to understand this. Saying you are valuable or worthy does not make you a narcissist, it’s about being self-aware and self-confident. 

No matter how valuable you may be it does not mean you’re always going to be someone’s cup of tea; some people prefer silk over cashmere but it does not diminish your worth. I've blogged about this before, but if you are struggling to determine your worth I challenge you to write a list of all of the wonderful things you are and all of the wonderful things you do; you might surprise yourself.

Recognizing a Purpose

I really want to move on with my life now, I feel I am in a fairly healthy space perhaps more healthy than I have ever been (another benefit). 

When I first wrote blogs about narcissism and my experience I was not expecting my words to help others. I thought that I would blog about my story and be done with it; putting pen to paper is very cathartic for me and I thought this would go a long way in my healing, and it has. Having said that I thought I would stop writing about it a long time ago; I’m now torn about this. 

I am a survivor of an emotional and mental abuse called narcissistic abuse. When this happened to me I became very aware that there was not a lot of literature or support for this abuse. Many psychologists are not schooled in this abuse. Although these abuses are not new they are becoming more recognized and more mainstream. When I learned of this I spent two weeks in bed. I contemplated killing myself. I reached out to people who just did not understand. What helped me the most was googling it and finding a support network and fantastic psychologists like Dr. Dart and Richard Grannon (not to mention my own personal psychologist). 

It has shaped who I am today and I feel it is my duty to help others going through the same turmoil, even if sometimes that means I stand alone. I’ve been raised by my mother who was a victim of domestic violence. I’ve seen and heard friends going through horrifying situations and the one thing I learned is that this ‘space’ is very lonely. So, I’ve decided I won’t leave the space. This happened to me for a reason and if by some chance my words help someone who is suffering than I will have lived my purpose.

 Ironically a year ago I co-authored a book in which I stated that it was OK to not understand your purpose at any age; this abuse has happened to me for a reason, it has given me that  purpose.

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Before this happened to me; I like many others just didn't get it. Why didn't you leave? He's such a nice guy! I can't imagine it. Now that I've been there, I will never turn my back on another no matter how unpopular that might be in our 'cold culture' today.

For those of you reading this who have just learned about your abuse; I know. I would have buzzed past this blog thinking the author was a nut case. I was so completely broken upon learning what had happened that I didn't even want to know if there was anything positive about it. 

Once you get to that place though; that fork in the road. You need to make a choice. You are either a victim or a survivor.

Be a survivor.

xo