Finding JOY Again

The other day while mindlessly walking around the Hobby Lobby I found my JOY.

Yes, JOY… that emotion that lives in you somewhere but often gets lost. Think “Inside Out” the children’s movie for an awesome visual.

I’ve got a creative side sure, but I didn’t find JOY at Hobby Lobby because it’s full of art supplies. I found JOY somewhere in the Thanksgiving décor (yes sorry it’s out already). I don’t know exactly why or what prompted it, maybe childhood memories of Thanksgiving or the fact that I’m ultra-traditional; it just happened.

I found JOY again.

JOY just jumped out at me and I found myself in tears in the middle of this gigantic department store. 

Until that very moment I did not realize that I had not felt or seen JOY for a very long time.

Even prior to realizing that I had been assaulted by a narcissist my life with him was not joyful; it was anything but.

Thing is.. I didn’t even realize it.

In that moment when I felt JOY at the darn Hobby Lobby I also remembered the holidays past with him. The sadness and loneliness that I felt.. And later learning the depth of the lies and betrayal that surrounded these holidays.

No, I was too close to it (to him) then. So close that I did not see what was happening. He stole my JOY long before I knew he was a thief. He did it so well that I didn’t even know it was missing from my life.

The feeling of JOY was so foreign to me that I actually stopped in my tracks.

Joy is back; this makes me so incredibly happy.

I got used to living my life without it. I no longer thought I needed it. I thought it would never return.

Being in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship changes you. Sometimes it changes you so much that you don’t even notice it.

I cried in the store that day not only because that feeling was in my heart again but because living without it not only affected me, but also my family….. My children.

For an entire year out of that two year relationship I felt no joy.

I spent the entire year

Crying.

Apologizing.

Begging for forgiveness.

Feeling inadequate.

For an entire year I felt as though I had nothing to celebrate! I was a horrible person!

I was told I was

Too angry.

Crazy.

A bad mother.

Dumb.

Naïve.

Too emotional.

For an entire year I was told

People disliked me; that being myself was a bad idea.

That my friends were not my friends.

That I irritated people when I spoke.

That I needed to be more humble.

That I needed to find a new job.

That I hurt people (including my own kids).

That men only wanted one thing from me because I acted like a slut.

Sadly, I believed all of it.

The only thing living in me for that year was sadness, shame and yes, anger.

So when I tell you all that I found my JOY over some cardboard pumpkin at Hobby Lobby, I tell you because I need you to know that things will be OK again!

I promise you!

Right now you may not believe me but it’s true.

It may not look or feel the same, but everything that they have stolen from you will return.

Even your JOY