A Week of On-line Dating

Recently I found myself in a rare situation where for almost a full week I was childless.  So in order to save a little money on groceries for the week (I’m only half kidding) I set out to have one date per night, it went a little something like this:

Steve was not as tall as he said he was. Height DOES matter to me, I’m not going to lie. I just spent two years wearing flats that were flatter than flats so as not to ‘hurt someone’s poor baby ego’; I’m not doing that again. Steve said he was 5’11”. I am 5’8”. I was wearing converse running shoes and I was taller than Steve. This makes Steve full of shit. He was also super-duper excited about his job as a mattress salesman; great to be passionate I always say but do not try to sell me a mattress! Especially not on the first date! If you want a second date you are going to give me a mattress for FREE! Especially if you lied about your height.

Kyle advertised himself as a tall, oil & gas executive who was divorced and ‘looking for love’. Kyle IS tall but Kyle is angry. He hates his ex-wife (whom he is actually only been separated from since January). He hates her fake boobs and he hates her fake eyelashes (I advised him I want both of those things). He yelled at the waitress because she didn’t hear him. Thanks for the drink Kyle!

Joey was ok except that Joey wasn’t for me for a few reasons. First (and sorry for sounding like a bitch in advance) but Joey either reminds me of “Joey Buttafuoco” or “Uncle Joey” from Full House. I either say his name in a deep masculine voice or a high pitched “hi ya Joey” kind of way. Joey is also a bit of a douche and talked about all of the hot women he knew. He was exactly my height which meant no heels, had very young children, and was in love with the gym. It became apparent that Joey also doesn’t like leg day, but he does work his arms and chest quite often. I’m pretty sure when Joey goes to bed he kisses both of his arms good night.  (I saw Joey twice – It didn’t get better the second time).

Greg wanted to know how often I liked to have sex, if I liked to give BJ’s and if I was or would ever consider being bisexual. I cancelled on Greg and then I blocked his number. Instead I stopped and got wine and a cinnamon bun on the way home and proceeded to attack it like nobody’s business. While attacking my cinnamon bun in my sweat pants I binge watched pretty little liars. This was seriously the best date of the week.

Poor Jay. He is actually not a douche. I think Jay really likes me but that concerns me. He really thinks I’m so very funny and so very smart (insert crying laughing emoji here). He high-fived me about four times in two hours. He is also in Insurance. He is also very short. I’m sorry Jay (you have great teeth though!).

So after a fun-filled week of on-line dating this is my conclusion.

-1- I hate on-line dating. It’s like flipping through a catalogue. As much as I’d like to call men shallow this dating process was making me exactly that..shallow. If your name is Mark (Swipe left), if you’re 5’8” (swipe left), if you’re posing half naked in front of the bathroom mirror (swipe left). For those less savvy than me “swipe left” means No Thanks.

-2- I dislike games. On-line dating feels like a game. You are both players and it’s all about impressing one another; it’s seriously exhausting and I’m so done with impressing anyone. I’d much rather say “Look dude, I’m psychotic and I have a lot of baggage. I’m not always nice and I have severe resting bitch face. When I wake up in the morning I am fugly. My ultimate goal in life is to wear purple stretchy pants and order a box of cats”. I would like to say all of that with a wad of spinach in my teeth. If they are still interested after that then we are golden.

-3- I am using on-line dating because I’m bored not because I’m actually interested. I’m probably in all honesty not even ready to date due to this heavy assed baggage I continue to carry. These poor guys, I really do interrogate them (behavior descriptive interview anyone?) Are you a cheater? A player? A liar? NO? Then why are you here? What is wrong with you? Instead of looking for what’s right about these men I look for everything that is wrong (and that got me thinking that they’re probably thinking the same thing about me which made me ultra-paranoid and over the top smiley).

-4- I felt ‘put out’. All I wanted to do after a long day of work was go home, put on my fat pants and binge watch Netflix. Instead I had to get dressed, fix my hair, smell good.. ugh exhausting.

-5- If I move forward with anyone I want it to resemble some semblance of a relationship. The only thing men seem interested in is a sexual relationship and seriously, girls don’t need an app for that. You pretty much can just do that whenever you want with very little effort.

And so in conclusion, it was a fun week but I’m tired. I didn’t buy groceries all week though (bonus!) I guess if you needed a reason to do it that would be it. I think for now I’ll try to meet someone at the library (do people still do that?)

Until next time…