Turning Pain Into Personal Growth

I’m not claiming to be different than any one of you, but seemingly since birth my life has been one event after another.

I used to think that my life was actually cursed. That somebody somewhere did something to someone and that someone cursed our family. I know, that sounds crazy but it’s been something I believed for as long as I can remember.

I said to my cousin and to my mother recently “is it too much to ask to have a normal life”? It’s ironic you know my cousin responded with a “What is normal, we wouldn’t know normal if it hit us in the face” and my mother agreed with that; I have to say it’s so true and despite how unpopular this is going to sound it wasn’t until my life was completely shredded in an abusive relationship that I now feel maybe that curse has been lifted.

Yes, I get how that sounds. Crazy I know. For real though, through this difficult and challenging healing journey I think I have finally found my five year old self. What I mean by finding my five year old self is that I have found out who I was/am before all of the damage was done to me. It feels strange yet really good at the same time.

Old habits, ideas and ways of thinking although hard to change now stand out like a sore thumb and I recognize them so obviously whereas I did not even know they were a thing before.

Life is not perfect, and I am definitely not perfect (I don’t want to be) but for the first time in 40 years I feel like I might actually know who I am.

A friend today told me that I looked ‘lighter’ (no she wasn’t talking about my weight); and I’m really glad she said something because I am feeling much lighter; lighter is a good way to describe it.

I’m not committing to this new feeling right now. I mean I’d like to commit to it, but I know tomorrow I may fall back into the darkness that I’ve been in for so long. I know that every day is a new day and a new opportunity. I think of the abuse that happened to me less and less and yet sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night in tears wondering how it all happened and why someone would choose to hurt me with no regrets; but lately I’m seeing more light than darkness.

All of my life I have had great boundaries when it came to friendships and later in my professional life but when it came to men, I didn’t have any. If I was interested in them, they could basically treat me whatever way they chose to treat me and I would adapt to them so that they would accept me. It goes back to my childhood when I learned (mostly from my father and my grandmother on my mother’s side) that I was simply not good enough. Every male relationship henceforth was structured around a man’s acceptance of me and I would, like a chameleon adapt to whatever it was they needed. I lost myself in that, up until quite recently I actually had no idea who I was and what I like and what I wanted in life.

It was hard. Harder than it sounds.

And so, with great trepidation I say that I am thankful that I was targeted for such a blatant and cruel abuse.

I am thankful that he took my heart and ripped it to shreds.

I am thankful that he turned some of my friends against me.

I am thankful that he denied me any closure.

I am thankful that he brought me to my knees that he was the one that was able to bring me to my rock bottom.

As heart wrenching and terrible as it all was/is; I have learned some very valuable lessons as a result.

I am actually sad for him and people like him; their denial of their own problem and their inability to empathize and understand others on an emotional level; the amount of energy it takes them to follow their scripts and live their lies must be extremely exhausting and unsatisfying. The people that they pretend to be are usually amazing and I know that they so wish that they can actually be that. I’m being genuine when I say I’m sad for them.

I on the other hand have taken this situation and although wondered at one point whether it was all worth it have been able with the help of some very supportive friends and family and a wonderful therapist determined that it was something that needed to happen to me to undue the pain I experienced in childhood.

I think for many survivors of abuse this is the case. They are not just healing from abuse, they are healing from a lifetime of issues; events; things that caused them to be a victim of these abuses in the first place.

Sad maybe, but so very true.

Today I have boundaries when it comes to men. I have more defined boundaries when it comes to friendships. I have learned so much about myself. Some things I knew, some things I didn’t know but I’ve recognized them, some for the first time; and I own them.

I am who I am and I will never let anyone tell me different. I will never amend ME to suit someone else, and if that means I will be single for all eternity then I’m OK with that.

My shrink gave me this homework. Her homework was to come up with basically a sales pitch on what I had to offer based on just being me. I am not a sales person and so this was an incredibly hard task but at the end of the day I have to say, I’m a pretty valuable product. I have a lot to offer someone. I have a lot to offer someone without making any changes to who I am. I am a valuable partner and a valuable friend and if people are not interested in the genuineness of that; then they are not my people. I would rather be alone forever then to ever again change myself for someone else in order for them to accept me.

Thank you for letting me share this raw and emotional blog with you all, but I share it for a purpose. I share it because I know many of my readers feel that life right now couldn’t get any worse. I know that you feel that the abuse that has occurred has destroyed you to the point of no return.

I am begging you to see things differently. Abuse of any kind is never OK; I do not condone it at all, but most if not all of us are targeted because we opened the door. Whether it be insecurity, need of acceptance or whatever, we need to decide as victims of abuse that we will no longer tolerate these behaviors from people; we need to take the time necessary to determine our worth and we need to ensure that we don’t sell ourselves short.

Do not let someone’s abuse and devaluation of you determine your worth.

Do not listen to those that tell you that you have somehow brought this abuse on yourself. Abuse is not a two way street.

Find yourself. Love yourself. Discover yourself. Live for yourself. Get rid of all of that back ground noise that tells you that you are not good enough.

You are. You always have been.