Shame - Time To Let It Go
I'm noticing a trend among my readers and that is the overwhelming sense of shame that they feel.
It's really no wonder when you think about it because not only were you blamed for the downfall of this relationship with the person you loved (because you were not good enough), and not only did his supporters (sometimes also your friends) believe his lies and start to ignore you or take some neutral stance which inevitably made you feel guilty and responsible for said abuse, but also the simple fact that you LET it happen to you.
At the time of abuse not only is your heart completely broken your faith in humanity shattered and friendships lost but the entire faith and trust in yourself is gone.
For a long while it feels like you are left with nothing. I, like many of you, after realizing the extent of the abuses that took place found myself wishing (actually praying) that I had suffered an actual physical trauma from the hands of my abuser. Instead of laying in my bed depressed for days I secretly wished I was laying in the hospital with injuries. I know that is a terrible thing to say but trying to 'prove' yourself and your story to naysayers is exhausting and humiliating. I would have much rather produced for them my broken arm in a nice little cast that they could sign.
Mental and emotional abuse cannot be seen and therefore goes misunderstood, forgotten about or swept under the rug like a bad break up.
I have felt lots of shame in this, but now that I'm on the road to recovery I feel resentful of the shame I felt. I do not care if people think I should get over things or stop blogging about narcissism or narcissistic abuse; I'm not going to. I am willing to feel that shame and embarrassment and continue to tell my story and the story of others to bring more awareness to abuses like this.
By the way.
I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed and frankly I think that anyone in your life who has made you feel this way as an abuse victim are the only ones that should feel shame and embarrassment; they after all are making these abuses OK.
I have a lovely daughter. My job here on this planet is to teach her important life lessons, to ensure she feels empowered as a girl/woman and to set an example she can be proud of. Although narcissistic abuse is not 'new' it has become the new modern day epidemic. I want to do my part as a woman and human being to ensure that my friends, sisters, cousins, and children are not one day victims and that if they are that they can tell their stories to others with zero shame.
One of my biggest supporters and someone I love with all of my heart said to me "Heather, I'm so angry that this has happened to you. Enough already! Too many things have happened to you in your life and I seriously do not understand how you've survived them! But..one thing confuses me; you're so smart! How could this have happened?"
This is the feeling of many, even those that love us so lets clear a few things up.
Narcissists are GOOD at this! It is their life's work. They rarely target people who are NOT smart. Doctors, lawyers and even psychologists are often targets of this con; it's one of the reasons the narcissist never truly receives the help that they so need. The smarter the victim the bigger the challenge. These people are Oscar winning actors. They groom people in order to get their own way. They are master manipulators and although I'm generalizing here, they know all the words and phrases required to groom that new psychologist into thinking nothing is wrong with them.
Narcissists approach their victims with a well thought out game plan or MO and if you're in any type of vulnerable situation (separation, divorce, low self esteem, eating disorder etc) it will leave the door open just enough for them to get in.
I AM smart and so are YOU. Being smart has nothing to do with this in fact, being smart is one of the reasons we feel so much shame in the end.
Joseph Stalin is a great example of a narcissist who could take a belief that someone fought for and turn it into something someone fought against all with a little mind trickery which included: Idolization, Devaluation and Discard; imagine that.
I want people to know that even though I am only one person you have permission to tell your stories WITHOUT shame.
Dr. Denise Dart, Richard Grannon and Carrie Reimer (https://ladywithatruck.com/) to name a few are all these fantastic individuals bringing attention to these crimes and so am I. I may be a small fish in a big pond but if that someday helps my daughter or your daughter then I am really 100% okay with that.
I will even admit that one of the very positive things that this abuse has awarded me is the ability to help others and share my story and I will do this for as long as I need to; even when I am healed.
For those of you out there who are at the end of your rope and feel that you've endured too much, don't give up you can do this. If you feel alone and alienated feel free to reach out because you are definitely NOT alone in this; you will persevere, you will find happiness once again.
I promise.
It's really no wonder when you think about it because not only were you blamed for the downfall of this relationship with the person you loved (because you were not good enough), and not only did his supporters (sometimes also your friends) believe his lies and start to ignore you or take some neutral stance which inevitably made you feel guilty and responsible for said abuse, but also the simple fact that you LET it happen to you.
At the time of abuse not only is your heart completely broken your faith in humanity shattered and friendships lost but the entire faith and trust in yourself is gone.
For a long while it feels like you are left with nothing. I, like many of you, after realizing the extent of the abuses that took place found myself wishing (actually praying) that I had suffered an actual physical trauma from the hands of my abuser. Instead of laying in my bed depressed for days I secretly wished I was laying in the hospital with injuries. I know that is a terrible thing to say but trying to 'prove' yourself and your story to naysayers is exhausting and humiliating. I would have much rather produced for them my broken arm in a nice little cast that they could sign.
Mental and emotional abuse cannot be seen and therefore goes misunderstood, forgotten about or swept under the rug like a bad break up.
I have felt lots of shame in this, but now that I'm on the road to recovery I feel resentful of the shame I felt. I do not care if people think I should get over things or stop blogging about narcissism or narcissistic abuse; I'm not going to. I am willing to feel that shame and embarrassment and continue to tell my story and the story of others to bring more awareness to abuses like this.
By the way.
I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed and frankly I think that anyone in your life who has made you feel this way as an abuse victim are the only ones that should feel shame and embarrassment; they after all are making these abuses OK.
I have a lovely daughter. My job here on this planet is to teach her important life lessons, to ensure she feels empowered as a girl/woman and to set an example she can be proud of. Although narcissistic abuse is not 'new' it has become the new modern day epidemic. I want to do my part as a woman and human being to ensure that my friends, sisters, cousins, and children are not one day victims and that if they are that they can tell their stories to others with zero shame.
One of my biggest supporters and someone I love with all of my heart said to me "Heather, I'm so angry that this has happened to you. Enough already! Too many things have happened to you in your life and I seriously do not understand how you've survived them! But..one thing confuses me; you're so smart! How could this have happened?"
This is the feeling of many, even those that love us so lets clear a few things up.
Narcissists are GOOD at this! It is their life's work. They rarely target people who are NOT smart. Doctors, lawyers and even psychologists are often targets of this con; it's one of the reasons the narcissist never truly receives the help that they so need. The smarter the victim the bigger the challenge. These people are Oscar winning actors. They groom people in order to get their own way. They are master manipulators and although I'm generalizing here, they know all the words and phrases required to groom that new psychologist into thinking nothing is wrong with them.
Narcissists approach their victims with a well thought out game plan or MO and if you're in any type of vulnerable situation (separation, divorce, low self esteem, eating disorder etc) it will leave the door open just enough for them to get in.
I AM smart and so are YOU. Being smart has nothing to do with this in fact, being smart is one of the reasons we feel so much shame in the end.
Joseph Stalin is a great example of a narcissist who could take a belief that someone fought for and turn it into something someone fought against all with a little mind trickery which included: Idolization, Devaluation and Discard; imagine that.
I want people to know that even though I am only one person you have permission to tell your stories WITHOUT shame.
Dr. Denise Dart, Richard Grannon and Carrie Reimer (https://ladywithatruck.com/) to name a few are all these fantastic individuals bringing attention to these crimes and so am I. I may be a small fish in a big pond but if that someday helps my daughter or your daughter then I am really 100% okay with that.
I will even admit that one of the very positive things that this abuse has awarded me is the ability to help others and share my story and I will do this for as long as I need to; even when I am healed.
For those of you out there who are at the end of your rope and feel that you've endured too much, don't give up you can do this. If you feel alone and alienated feel free to reach out because you are definitely NOT alone in this; you will persevere, you will find happiness once again.
I promise.
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