No Closure IS Your Closure

At the end of a stereotypical relationship we usually find ourselves at a place of closure.  Depending on why the relationship ended there is usually a ‘sorry this didn’t work out’ or “I’m sorry that I cheated on you” or “You know you’re great but for someone else”; the door shuts and then you move forward.

In a relationship with a normal person which I like to call neurologically typical, there exists a form of respect; a decency. There is an admittance of the feelings once shared, mistakes made and even though there may be a lot of anger also, you are generally dealing with someone who is empathetic to your feelings; a person who once cared quite deeply for you.  Perhaps you’ve maintained a friendship of sorts for your children or maybe you haven’t but no matter how angry you were you can almost always look back on that relationship with fond and genuine memories.

A narcissist is not neurologically typical according to the DSM-IV and the DSM-5 criteria.  They simply do not have the ability to process the above information in the same way that a neurologically typical person does.  When a relationship with a narcissist ends it’s usually abrupt. (I will insert a small note here however that in 90% of the cases of the people I’ve talked to, had they known that they were being conned, manipulated, gas-lighted or abused then in retrospect the relationship didn’t actually end abruptly it just seemed that way).

Narcissists are not truly sorry. If they are sorry at all it’s usually because they still have a need for you to fill or they do not have a sufficient store of narcissistic supply on hand, but rest assured their ‘sorry’ is not genuine. (If you want to test this theory decide to not accept their apology and see what happens).

These people take accountability for nothing and blame you for the reason the relationship had to end. There is usually a plain flat-out denial of their treatment of you, no explanation and a complete discard as though you didn’t actually exist. If you have children with this person they can’t deny your existence but will do their best to only reference the children in all interactions.

Most emotional and mental abuse sufferers realize only after the discard the extent of said abuse. They are left feeling rudderless, hopeless and confused. They are left with the realization that they were simply a stage prop in this particular scene of the movie and that after the scene ended they were no longer useful. There are no fond memories to fall back on because they slowly realize that most things were exaggerated, made up, staged or an outright lie. It is very difficult to think fondly of memories when the only real thing in the entire relationship that was real was your love for this person (at the time).

Not to rehash my own story but to provide an example, it was actually my narcs wife that called me to tell me about his new girlfriend.

Rest assured we had broken up and had not been together in three months. Had someone told me he had a new girlfriend I would have been a bit sad and maybe even a bit jealous but I would have understood; things were not good in the end.

But that isn’t what happened (despite his tall tales).

Pardon my French for a second if you will but hello WIFE? Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit about the girlfriend.. WIFE? You mean the person he had been separated from for almost 8 years now? Instead of telling people how upset I am about this new unfortunate soul he is calling his girlfriend let me get over the fact that for two years he was sleeping with both me and his WIFE and that in her mind (albeit things were not perfect) he was carrying on a normal marital relationship. The girlfriend piece, well it turned out that wasn’t exactly perfect either, because he started dating her and continued to sleep with me for 5 months. When confronted with this sad fact his response? “I wasn’t sure about her yet”.

During that last 8 months of hell he was cruel and abusive, told people lies about me, tried to control me and led me to believe other terrible things AND he had a WIFE and a girlfriend

BUT

It was my fault. Did I not want him to be happy? Isn’t that what I wanted for him he repeated over and over in his word-salad way until I hung up the phone?

It wasn’t until the next day that I completely lost my patience.  It was when he called me and tried to manipulate and bully me into silence by ‘daring’ me to expose him. “I don’t care. Do it. Do it” I’ll never forget.

Although my version of this story is simply my version it does align quite nicely with other stories. 

His version on the other hand is entirely different; he seriously should contact Quentin Tarantino with his scripts!

Us stupid bitches. All he was trying to do was find happiness and we were standing in his way.

Even though his infidelities were discovered over a month before his wife discovered me…

It was my fault for destroying him.

And It was his wife’s fault for telling me.

I have now officially been awarded the honor of being known as the person who completely destroyed his life and to think not a trophy or a statue erected in my honor anywhere in sight.

Why would I intentionally do that to someone? What is the point? But what you’re hearing here is the reaction of a textbook narcissist. In his pursuit of happiness it mattered not that he hurt, manipulated and abused people in the process; he is always the only one that matters.  

Although slightly amended and an inside joke he was “King Kong”, he found his new Jane (for now anyways) and how dare we/I stand up to the indecencies that he caused.

I will say this. Throughout the entire relationship I loved him, even when I didn’t. Even when he was mean to me I refused to listen to people. I genuinely cared for his well-being. I was so worried about him and his health.  I will also say that his wife also took care of him for 20 years, she was a good and loving wife and yet in the end it is us (especially me) who is to be blamed for the consequences of his actions?

Apparently his most recent announcement is that he has done absolutely nothing wrong and has been treated unfairly. He is the victim here. I am a crazy obsessive bitch (I am but only when it comes to wine..back off!) We all deserve happiness and that is all he wanted.

Sorry, but that’s about the only closure you’re ever going to get.

Think of it this way; if a narcissist said sorry for the pains they created it would mean that  they would actually have to admit that they did something wrong.  They are not going to do this. In their minds they are superior to others and they are simply not hard wired genetically to empathize.

Find the closure within yourself.

Love yourself.

Know that in this relationship you did your best. You were honest, loving, genuine, loyal and kind and that all of those qualities make you an amazing person (which is what attracted him to you in the first place).

Close that damn door and lock it tight – No contact.

Be grateful that he was not able to steal any more of your life.

Get reacquainted with yourself. Start filling those self-esteem buckets again. Acknowledge that you were abused (because you were) even if others won’t or can’t understand it. Know that no matter what, you did nothing to deserve this and once you realize that you will truly find the path to healing.

Yes, I cry still but not over him or his abuses of me. I cry for a few lost friendships that I thought were solid. I cry when I hear the lies he’s still telling about me but honestly.. The people that know and love me know and love me and I have nothing to prove. In my case he did the wrong thing to the right girl and I didn’t back down; I’m proud of that. I can live with that. I am confident in myself and learning to trust myself again, you will too.

That is all the closure you need.

xo