What Did I Lose?

It is amazing during the healing process when you start to find yourself again.  It’s like being a deflated balloon that is slowly filling up with helium again and it feels wonderful.

Some days are much better than others but progress is progress.

Many of you who read my blogs or follow me on other social media channels have shared with me how hard healing is for you; I hear you.  It is hard for me too however I find that even though there are definite bumps in the road you soon build up that momentum you need to move forward.

One of the things that has helped me recently was a bit of homework I was given by my shrink.  I am seriously in love with my shrink; of course I don’t mean Love-Love but I look forward to seeing her on our regularly scheduled appointments because she makes me think.  I feel safe with her.  I feel safe to rage and yell and get really friggen angry but I also feel safe to cry.  She has seen me cry a lot and sadly her office is one of the only places I feel OK crying in.

On my last visit I was feeling quite down because of course I’d heard more stories about what he’d been saying about me; how I was a liar and crazy and how I apparently ‘made’ him be with me; let’s not forget how he had to drink because I was apparently so ‘ugly’.

I would love to dive into all of the reasons he needs to ‘convince’ women that he is stellar, but I won’t because it would sound like I’m ‘lashing out’ and I don’t need to stoop to his level in order to get my point across.

 So anyways, back to my point.  I was feeling really down and when I went into my therapists office she let me throw all of my baggage all around the damn place (which always makes me feel better anyways) but she also gave me a bit of homework.

She said “Heather, you are a writer.  When you are home this week I want you to do the following.  Pretend that he was not a narcissist and a liar.  Pretend that everything he told you came from a genuine place.  Pretend that everything he told you and led you to believe was true, because to you; up until very recently; it was true.  Pretend that his MO (Modus Operandi) was the same as a person who didn't have a personality disorder. You thought he was such a wonderful person even when you ‘broke up’ so imagine instead of learning that he was a narcissistic abuser who was a pathological liar imagine that he was just this wonderful guy and your relationship didn’t work out.  What did you lose?”

So tasked with this homework I went home that night ready to put pen to paper.  I was ready to list all of the things I had lost at the end of my relationship with him.  I was ready to list all of the things I had lost when I found out the real truth.

Do you know what happened?

I couldn’t write anything down.

All this time I’m thinking I’ve lost so much and it turns out I didn’t lose ANYTHING.

For over a year this person really gave me nothing and when he did it was really superficial.

He wasn’t my friend.  He didn’t care to know me or listen to me.  He didn’t know what I was passionate about or what made me happy or sad. 

He didn’t provide for me.  I paid my own way.  We split most things.  If anyone gave anything monetary it was me giving to him.  I bought him gifts (because that’s what I do) heck I even lent him $300 to gamble once because he’d ‘run out of money’.

He couldn’t do things for me.  He couldn’t fix a light bulb, look at my car, and help me move furniture.  He wasn’t equipped for these things, I still called my ex-husband to help me with these things.

He wasn’t there for me when I cried.   He wasn’t there for me when I was happy.  In fact he barely made me laugh anymore.

He actually did nothing for me – nothing.

So what did I lose?

Because I’m such a good student (not really) I still felt I owed my therapist something and so here it is:

What I Lost

-          Someone telling me I wasn’t good enough

-          Someone who accused me of being a flirt and a slut

-          Someone who liked to watch me when I cried

-          Someone who made demands on me (make me tea, get me water, make me meatloaf, drive me to the airport, buy me gum)

-          Someone who caused me to suffer from such severe anxiety that even when he was not present I walked on egg shells.  I couldn’t have normal conversations always making sure I sounded smart and humble.  Didn’t want to look anyone in the face for fear I’d be accused of flirting.

-          Someone who told me that even though I thought I had friends I had none.

-          Someone who reminded me on a regular basis that I wasn’t a great mother.

-          Someone who made me feel crazy and angry.

-          Someone who in the end made it their personal goal to ensure they destroyed all of my self-confidence.

That is what I lost.

Now that I’ve lost all of that, imagine what I’ve gained.

If you are struggling also with everything you may have lost in getting out of a relationship with your abuser then I suggest you come up with your own list.  I know there are some of you who were financially dependent on these people and some of you who gave your money to these people and I’m so very sorry for that, but I honestly think if you dig deep and create this list you will realize quite quickly that like me you lost nothing.

You gained YOU.

You Won.