In My Orbit- No We Are Not Sad It's Over
One of the things that seems to come up a lot with other narcissist abuse survivors is the trouble in explaining to people that what they've been through is not just your simple run-of-the-mill break-up.
Many people (even the ones who are supporting you) think that you are just so upset because this break-up was terrible and you miss this person and he was a big meanie during the process.
That could not be further from the truth.
At least 90% of the people I've talked to are very happy about the break up or end of the relationship with their abuser. These abusers are finally out of our life. What we are most afraid of is that this abuser will find their way back in. It's not because we love them and pine for them that we might let them back in either, no it's not that at all. For months or years, whatever the individual case may be this narc or abuser has made us doubt and question ourselves. There was an entire phase in this relationship (mine lasted 13 months but I was lucky) where the only reason we stayed was because they convinced us that we were crazy and imagining things. We are concerned that they will come back because we have a problem trusting ourselves! Our own judgement!
How ever can we justify letting the abuse happen any other way, it must have been our lack of judgement?
Most of us do not want them back in our lives ever again; we are not pining for them, on the contrary we are terrified of them!
I think one of the reasons many people assume we are these scorned women (and men) is because in a high number of cases these people present to others like genuine, fun, intelligent and gregarious people, which brings me to say "Of course they are! Why do you think we were drawn in - in the first place"?
My therapist helped me to see it in a fairly 'narcissists for dummies' kind of way; Let's picture the solar system and orbits.
If someone is orbiting your planet (life) you are going to see them very differently then someone who's sitting right next to them. From a distance (and distance will vary depending on the type of relationship you have with the person) this person will look like a superstar, a good friend, a great dad, hard working, dedicated, smart, deserving, special, kind, whatever other words you need to use; but when these people have actually physically entered your orbit and are sitting on your planet, you can see them up close for what they really are. Although the same could be said for any relationship in a relationship with a narcissist this space becomes unhealthy, abusive and manipulative.
Keep in mind they come to your planet much sooner than others do. They are right there before you've even decided whether to extend the invitation and when they arrive they are armed with gifts and love, stories full of hope and promise. They completely infiltrate your life; take over your planet - fast and furious like black mold.
You begin to wonder why they were not on the same planet as you from the beginning after all they are your mirror image! They like what you like, they believe what you believe, experience life the way you have, see and hear things the same way and when all is said and done they have become literally an extension of you.
They complete you.
All of your self-love and self-worth now comes from them. You have never met another person in your life like this. You are kismet; meant to to be, and always were.
But then this person isn't just sharing your planet with you, they have taken your planet over - They own your planet.
They start to tell you that you are not good enough, that you have major issues (anger, mental health etc) and that even though they have tried really hard to love you, they're so sorry but they're really not sure if they can do that any more.
Ironically though, they don't leave your planet. It's comfortable there and it has everything on it that they've always wanted (money, house, family, friends, popularity). They try to kick you off your own damn planet and instead of telling them to go, you beg them for forgiveness and tell them you're sorry for being inadequate; you will try harder - please let me stay.
Swiftly you're excommunicated and you are left feeling empty and worthless. Some people quite literally are left with nothing. They move someone else in, she's probably younger or prettier or richer and they are already madly in love because this has been happening for a long time. Rest assured however, it is not her they love.
You hear him telling her the same stories, using the exact same words and phrases you thought were special to you. You hear him tell her of their connection that they are kismet and when he does this he might grin and wave at you, he might even ask you to be friends. You begin to notice that you and he actually have nothing in common, he is mirroring her now and you start to wonder if you haven't actually just imagined it all.
He basically tells you that you did imagine it, that you are delusional but the problem is he is still sitting there on your fucking planet and that makes it very real for you.
Your orbit is now made of solid steel. You move to a new planet, your old planet has been depleted of all of it's resources. On this new planet you do not trust anyone and live there alone. You continue to watch him from a distance as he celebrates this new woman and metaphorically redecorates your planet and you wonder "What did I do wrong"? Your planet no longer serves his purpose and he moves to her planet.
You board up all of the windows and all of the doors so that you no longer need to witness the new abuses taking place (of you and of her).
THIS.
It is THIS. In the simplest way possible this is why narcissistic abuse is so hard and so damaging.
If we are missing anything at all it is not them. It is what we thought "could have been" but more importantly we are missing the person we were before this abuse took place; before they arrived, and sometimes we want our planet back.
I live on a new planet. It is not the same and it never will be. Things however have started to grow again and I'm wondering if maybe I don't like this new planet better. I haven't invited anyone to land, but I'm warming up to the idea.
For now they can stay in my orbit.
Many people (even the ones who are supporting you) think that you are just so upset because this break-up was terrible and you miss this person and he was a big meanie during the process.
That could not be further from the truth.
At least 90% of the people I've talked to are very happy about the break up or end of the relationship with their abuser. These abusers are finally out of our life. What we are most afraid of is that this abuser will find their way back in. It's not because we love them and pine for them that we might let them back in either, no it's not that at all. For months or years, whatever the individual case may be this narc or abuser has made us doubt and question ourselves. There was an entire phase in this relationship (mine lasted 13 months but I was lucky) where the only reason we stayed was because they convinced us that we were crazy and imagining things. We are concerned that they will come back because we have a problem trusting ourselves! Our own judgement!
How ever can we justify letting the abuse happen any other way, it must have been our lack of judgement?
Most of us do not want them back in our lives ever again; we are not pining for them, on the contrary we are terrified of them!
I think one of the reasons many people assume we are these scorned women (and men) is because in a high number of cases these people present to others like genuine, fun, intelligent and gregarious people, which brings me to say "Of course they are! Why do you think we were drawn in - in the first place"?
My therapist helped me to see it in a fairly 'narcissists for dummies' kind of way; Let's picture the solar system and orbits.
If someone is orbiting your planet (life) you are going to see them very differently then someone who's sitting right next to them. From a distance (and distance will vary depending on the type of relationship you have with the person) this person will look like a superstar, a good friend, a great dad, hard working, dedicated, smart, deserving, special, kind, whatever other words you need to use; but when these people have actually physically entered your orbit and are sitting on your planet, you can see them up close for what they really are. Although the same could be said for any relationship in a relationship with a narcissist this space becomes unhealthy, abusive and manipulative.
Keep in mind they come to your planet much sooner than others do. They are right there before you've even decided whether to extend the invitation and when they arrive they are armed with gifts and love, stories full of hope and promise. They completely infiltrate your life; take over your planet - fast and furious like black mold.
You begin to wonder why they were not on the same planet as you from the beginning after all they are your mirror image! They like what you like, they believe what you believe, experience life the way you have, see and hear things the same way and when all is said and done they have become literally an extension of you.
They complete you.
All of your self-love and self-worth now comes from them. You have never met another person in your life like this. You are kismet; meant to to be, and always were.
But then this person isn't just sharing your planet with you, they have taken your planet over - They own your planet.
They start to tell you that you are not good enough, that you have major issues (anger, mental health etc) and that even though they have tried really hard to love you, they're so sorry but they're really not sure if they can do that any more.
Ironically though, they don't leave your planet. It's comfortable there and it has everything on it that they've always wanted (money, house, family, friends, popularity). They try to kick you off your own damn planet and instead of telling them to go, you beg them for forgiveness and tell them you're sorry for being inadequate; you will try harder - please let me stay.
Swiftly you're excommunicated and you are left feeling empty and worthless. Some people quite literally are left with nothing. They move someone else in, she's probably younger or prettier or richer and they are already madly in love because this has been happening for a long time. Rest assured however, it is not her they love.
You hear him telling her the same stories, using the exact same words and phrases you thought were special to you. You hear him tell her of their connection that they are kismet and when he does this he might grin and wave at you, he might even ask you to be friends. You begin to notice that you and he actually have nothing in common, he is mirroring her now and you start to wonder if you haven't actually just imagined it all.
He basically tells you that you did imagine it, that you are delusional but the problem is he is still sitting there on your fucking planet and that makes it very real for you.
Your orbit is now made of solid steel. You move to a new planet, your old planet has been depleted of all of it's resources. On this new planet you do not trust anyone and live there alone. You continue to watch him from a distance as he celebrates this new woman and metaphorically redecorates your planet and you wonder "What did I do wrong"? Your planet no longer serves his purpose and he moves to her planet.
You board up all of the windows and all of the doors so that you no longer need to witness the new abuses taking place (of you and of her).
THIS.
It is THIS. In the simplest way possible this is why narcissistic abuse is so hard and so damaging.
If we are missing anything at all it is not them. It is what we thought "could have been" but more importantly we are missing the person we were before this abuse took place; before they arrived, and sometimes we want our planet back.
I live on a new planet. It is not the same and it never will be. Things however have started to grow again and I'm wondering if maybe I don't like this new planet better. I haven't invited anyone to land, but I'm warming up to the idea.
For now they can stay in my orbit.
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