To Close The Circle - The Road to Healing

I hemmed and hawed about whether to write this, but as I’m moving on to the next chapter in my healing I thought I would close the circle.  Trust me when I say I’m closing the circle for me, not for you and if you are joyful that I’m showing you attention; don’t be.

I wanted to be sure you knew of some very important things before I left.

When I think of you now I think of you as this big vortex, sucking the energy and life from everyone that is around you.  I find this very difficult to write because I know that in telling you how much pain you’ve inflicted on people it will actually bring you some sort of sick joy.

So I won’t.

Instead I’ll tell you this.

You did not break me.

I am still good, loving and kind.

I still twirl my hair and wear dresses with whomever and whenever I want.

I no longer worry in business situations whether I sound stupid or whether someone doesn’t like me because I realized that none of what you ever told me held any truth and now that you’ve been gone for two months (praise be) I now see things so clearly.  You know, I have always been fairly well respected in my industry and I don’ t know why I gave you so much credit and let you dictate to me the right and wrong way to be.  I am me, and people have always liked that about me.  It is one of the things that makes me a good leader.  I wear no masks. I am who I am.  I don’t have to try really hard to get my story straight.

It feels good and your acceptance of me is no longer required, in fact it never was… I could care less.

When I think of you now I don’t think of your smiling eyes or your devilish grin; ironically those things now make me shiver to know the evil that was behind them and to not see it for so long.  I see you now as a loser.  Harsh? Maybe, but it’s the truth.  You are just a small person; small in heart – small in mind. 

Your need for adoration and attention speaks to your insecurity; I should have seen it all along, but I didn’t.

I am not ashamed.  Time away from you with those that care for me, has shown me that I didn’t do anything wrong to you.  I apologized to you for more than a year for something I didn’t really ever do.  You loved that I begged and cried to you on a regular basis for forgiveness.  It blew up your ego, made you feel very important.  In a nutshell while you were busy destroying me (or trying to) I apologized. 

The only thing I did wrong in this ‘relationship’ was love you.  I loved you so much and I wanted to do anything I could to make you happy again; and you knew that.  That is why you kept me around.

I think back to the last five months, and even though we’d officially broken up we were still sleeping together and still going away together and I think of the cruelty endured by you, and I also think of the wonderful things you said and then I’m reminded that the entire duration you were not only still married and having relations with your wife but you had yourself a new girlfriend; right – under – my – nose.

I know if you’re reading this you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourself, a big swinging dick (theoretically anyways).  Three women on the go at the same time all serving a different purpose.  One who took care of you, one who was so in love with you begging for you to forgive her and love her back again, and one who was new and so taken with all of the charming things you were doing and saying; just like we all were at some point. (Just a bit of advice here though, stop using the same go-to words and phrases with everyone, it eventually gets out).

You shouldn’t feel good about yourself.  You should be ashamed.  Men don’t treat women this way.  Good people don’t treat people this way.  You are neither a good man nor a good person.  You used to say that you wanted honor like the Samurai; well you are no Samurai.

It used to bother me that you were lying to people about me, and now I don’t care.  Do whatever you want.  Now that I’m regaining my strength; my sense of self; my self-esteem I know that nothing you say even matters anymore – meh.

You’re like a villain in those Super hero movies you like watching.  Your power is to suck the life energy out of those around you because you don’t actually have any yourself.  Without everyone else’s energy you are nothing.  You are nothing but an exhausting misery.

Sometimes you would slip up a bit and now I remember those times so clearly.

“I’m not a good person”

“I’m fucked up”

“I’m a loser”

It’s so unfortunate because that person you pretend to be has so much potential.  I’m sorry for the pains you suffered as a child but so did we all and despite those pains good people would never use their pain to intentionally hurt another. 

I sincerely hope that someone can help you, but I’m doubtful that you even believe you have a problem.

So here’s the thing.

You lost.

I am still the same person I always was and I am proud to be her.  Albeit you succeeded temporarily in making me feel worthless, I am still that fun, confident, happy person that you pretended to love.  I have lots of friends and family and support.  I have very close relationships with people.  I feel things deeply with my heart and I hold people who are dear to me close and I know that you wanted to be all of that and I know that you thought you could take all of that from me and be it; but you lost. 

You are still you – and I am still me.

Thank you so much for teaching me about my value and my worth.  I will never be reckless with it again.  

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me that even though it’s painful, being a kind, loving, truthful and genuine person is all that is good about humanity.  Without these hard lessons I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to figure all of this out.

You used to say you read my blogs about my brother and pretended that my pain and grief over the loss of him was something you could share with me but I’ll tell you this.  

If my brother Duncan were alive today he would make you sit in the driveway; only my family will know what that means.

In the driveway is where you belonged the whole time.

H