The Three Distinct Phases of Narcissistic Abuse

Hi Everyone,

Because I'm often asked what the phases 'look & feel' like I thought I'd come up with a list.  Of course this list is personal to my situation and my experience but it amazes me in speaking with others and with my therapist how very text book most narcs are.  It's like they bought the book on how to be a narcissist and after each chapter practice what they've read.  Anyways, here's hoping you find this helpful.

Love Bombing (Approximately 9 months)

·         You are so beautiful, I don’t know how your husband could have ever cheated on you.

·         I love how smart you are.

·         Every time I am with you or know I’m coming to see you it just makes me want to celebrate.  Do you know how long it’s been for me that I’ve felt this happy?

·         I will always protect you.

·         I think you are so unique; I love that about you.

·         I read your blogs all the time.  I read the one about your brother all of the time and it makes me cry.  Do you know I’ve only cried twice in my life?

·         My sister died of cancer and I feel so close to you because you understand that.

·         I know you’re dealing with mental health issues in your family; I also am with my ex-wife I know how hard it is.

·         I love your eyes and I love your smile. 

·         I love when you laugh.

·         You are worth risking everything for.

·         I want to show you things.

·         You are a wonderful mother

·         I respect you so much.

·         You are sexy as f***

·         I am addicted to you, you need me, we need each other.  You are MINE.

·         Calling me Baby all of the time.

·         Sending me “hearts” over IM

·         Calling me every night before bed.

·         I’m falling in love with you

·         Planning small trips and get-aways

·         All over me.

·         Spending all of our spare time together

·         I have never had this connection with anyone else in my entire life.

·         “When you move here” – “I want to do a road trip with you” – “We should buy an airstream” – “Will you help me furnish my new place”

Devaluation (13 Months)

·         You think you know everything.

·         Dave was right, you need to be more humble.

·         Have you ever thought that maybe you are also responsible for your husband cheating?

·         You damaged your child when you got remarried

·         You look tired

·         You’re driving me crazy and stress me out all of the time, I can hardly stand to be around you.

·         Why do you always talk about the same things?

·         You should have trusted me.

·         It’s your fault.

·         You’re delusional

·         Are you still working out?

·         You have anger issues

·         No more calling me before bed unless he was drunk.

·         Cancelling a trip because he was mad at me and then meeting a girl for drinks that same day and making sure I knew about it. (Actual Example)

·         Telling me that I should put my kids first because that’s what he does (??)

·         He wouldn’t talk to me and if I didn’t talk to him he would reach out in 3 days and tell me how crazy I was and that he missed me, but then once that connection was re-established he didn’t miss me.

·         Not touching me.

·         I can’t be with someone like you, only as a friend (but then he would hoover me back in with other things.. like being tender, telling me I was amazing, telling me I was the only person he could be himself with..)

·         You hurt me.

·         You made me feel like a king and then you took it all away from me.

·         You did to me what my father did to me.

·         How could you do this to me when I have told you so much about myself (I don’t know what I did, but I was always, constantly apologizing.  He used to say it’s because I flirted with that guy in the bar; which I really didn’t,  but that was his perception of it).

·         During this whole phase I cried and apologized 90% of the time.  I was so convinced that I was a terrible person and that I’d hurt him so badly, but I didn’t understand how.

·         I was worried about what I wore and so I changed that and only wore dresses when he came to town.  He would always accuse me of dressing like a slut or twisting my hair if some other guy (even in business) talked to me.

·         I stopped having dinner or going for drinks with certain people because I was afraid of what he would say or accuse me of and how that would make him feel.

·         I was afraid of how to talk to certain people because he told me they didn’t like me or respect me or that I had somehow said something inappropriate; even when I tried my hardest not to say anything!

·         I would dread that phone call every single time he knew I was having a business dinner or lunch.

·         He would ignore me and not listen to me; I could stop talking mid-sentence and he wouldn’t notice.

·         More hoovering (people don’t understand this) he would ignore me and be cruel to me and then he would have a band play all of ‘our songs’ and stare at me from across the room and then once I was hoovered back he’d start ignoring me again.. (this was an actual example.. I could do a whole blog about hoovering)

·         Not texting me back

·         Talking and flirting openly with other women… another actual example is taking me away for the weekend and then as soon as we were back completely ignoring me and keeping his back to me while flirting with other women.

·         At an event once after we hadn’t talked and I told him I was ‘DONE’ he was offended by me talking to a guy at an event and called me in my hotel room, we ended up going away together that weekend.

·         I ended up taking my old blog down because everything I blogged about was perceived as a direct attack on him and even though I later found out he had a new girlfriend (and a wife) he would call me raging about my blogs.. I would be trying to move on, blogging about what I wanted in a man and then he’d call me and freak out about my blog and say things like “Nice to know there is nothing about me on the list”.. “Obviously you don’t want me!!”

·         I went on a date in December (after he had just treated me like absolute shit.. and after spending a weekend with me and then telling me ‘nothing had changed and he still didn’t want to get back together because he had tried so hard but I’d hurt him too much).. But after that date I was asked 20 questions including “Did you fuck him?” which became one of his favorite things to say.

*    Systematically going through my friends and telling me why each of them wasn't a real friend to me.

*   While looking for a job he would say "I guess you're not as good or as popular as you thought you were" or "No one likes it when you've been fired", which used to piss me off because I have never been fired.  I was laid off once when my company restructured and he told me that was the 'same thing'.

** And after almost two years… they discard you.. quick.. and painless for them.  By this time they’ve already established a relationship with someone else.

Discard – 2 days(after I found out he had a wife and a girlfriend.  He hadn’t fully discarded me yet until the day I found this out – he would still call me etc.)

·         We were only friends the whole time

·         Get over it

·         It’s none of your business

·         I thought you wanted me to be happy, and I wasn’t happy with you.

·         Telling his wife I was a hook-up and that he would tell me whatever I needed to hear to get me to take my clothes off.

·         Telling people I was delusional and a story teller and convincing them that he has in deed not done anything listed above and that I'm crazy and out to get him, or better that he feels sorry for me because I couldn't let him go.

·         Saying I was crazy

·         I hurt him

·         I destroyed him

·         He was in love with someone else, she wasn’t like me. 

·         His wife was a liar

I think this is the best way to describe the three phases to people.  Hoovering is hard to explain, but in my case (as in many cases) if I wanted out and felt like I was free he would suck me back.. and in the end said it was me who couldn’t let him go.

Hopefully some of you find this helpful.  Trust me, if it seems too good to be true in the beginning it probably is.

Forever,

Heather