That Fateful Day
Eight months; that is how long it took until I saw a noticeable difference in the way he was treating me. This was the shift between the idealization and the devaluation phase.
It was around this time we started having arguments and spats, I even walked out on him in a restaurant because he was being so rude to me. He was more crass and sarcastic and had become less caring and much more demanding.
I thought about leaving him at this time, but he always made me feel like I was imagining things. For those of you who have suffered from narcissistic abuse this is a term known as 'Gas-lighting'. Gas-lighting is such a dangerous form of abuse in that it's ambient. You can't prove it is happening and the abusers aim is to make you feel as though you're losing your mind. Over a long period of time this sort of abuse is very detrimental to one's self-esteem.
In this phase he would tell me I was crazy, irrational and sensitive. He would tell me that I was a nag and because of that sometimes he didn't want to be around me.
The shift between this phase and phase one was quick; it was not natural at all.
That December we had attended an event together. At this event he became incredibly intoxicated (his norm) and spent the evening quite literally slobbering all over a young woman who was also in attendance. He rarely left her side unless to bring her a drink and feigned interest in her life and what she was talking about. Sadly he just looked like a drunk old man who was annoying this young woman. People started to comment to me about it "Oh my god, do you see him? He's all over that girl" or "He's really smitten with her, that's really creepy".
Needless to say I was quite upset although I didn't show it. At the end of the event we went home and as per usual he would get into bed and demand I take my clothes off which I would pretend to do knowing in a matter of minutes he was going to be in his alcoholic-induced-coma. I made sure that he was comfortable (because I'm like that) and made sure that he was propped up in case he was sick and then proceeded to go downstairs where I spent the rest of the evening into the early morning crying. I never thought I would have to feel this way again. I never thought that he would do this in front of me knowing what I'd already been through.
When I eventually confronted him with my feelings about this he told me to stop being so insecure. That being insecure made me look unattractive. He also denied that it ever happened and told me I needed to get over it.
Christmas came and went. He was going to spend Christmas day with his ex-wife and kids which was not odd to me at all; I do the same thing. He told me he didn't like Christmas, that he wasn't traditional but we did end up having a small Christmas at my house together. When I say a small Christmas thing I mean he opened the gifts I bought him while he watched Netflix and I cooked dinner. Not that it's about gifts or anything, but he did actually buy me something that year; it was an afterthought. We had been at the mall buying him a new shirt and he took me to the perfume department where he grabbed some off the shelf, paid for it and handed it to me. Definitely nothing like the man I'd fallen in love with.
The 'fateful day' or the 'turning point' as I'd like to call it happened in early January. We were out and I had way too much tequila. (Not something I do on a regular basis!). We were at this pub and he sat with his back to me the entire time talking to this woman we both knew. I literally was left sitting there talking to the bar tender and looked glaringly like a third wheel.
It was in this moment that (as the story goes) I stood up and announced "You know what? I can do this too! I'm not desperate you know; I can get laid if I wanted to" which very well may have been what I said but he didn't even turn around. I got up and started playing darts with this group of guys; yes that was it - Darts. While he continued to chat with this woman I threw a few darts. When I sat back down one of the guys gave me his business card (which sadly I don't remember.. I wonder where he is now? hah jokes) and we all left.
It's so strange looking back on things and seeing them for the first time.
That night I was so sick. I felt fevered and was vomiting and had a massive headache. Like everyone who hangs there head over the porcelain throne I thought I probably had alcohol poisoning.
I really don't mean to be lewd in this next paragraph but I feel it's significant. It speaks to his mental state and his loss of control.
Every time I would return from the bathroom after having vomited he would climb on top of me and have sex with me. I was so sick and I remember wondering why he was doing that. He seemed angry and annoyed at me and finally at one point I had to push him off of me so I could literally run to the bathroom and throw up again.
Why is this significant? After some therapy sessions and talking to others in the same boat, this was the only time I had ever given him reason to doubt my loyalty to him. His perceived take on what I had done or the message I was trying to send him meant that I no longer worshiped the ground he walked on. I had taken his weak sense of self and given it a shake. His act of constantly climbing on me was an assurance that I still wanted him, that he was still the "King" and that I still needed him. It was also to let me know that he was in charge.
The next day I found a business card and confused by it asked him if it belonged to him. I will never forget that look on his face when he turned to me and said "No it's yours Heather from your boyfriend last night".
And for the next year he set out on his plan to devalue me, this is how 2016 began for me.
It was around this time we started having arguments and spats, I even walked out on him in a restaurant because he was being so rude to me. He was more crass and sarcastic and had become less caring and much more demanding.
I thought about leaving him at this time, but he always made me feel like I was imagining things. For those of you who have suffered from narcissistic abuse this is a term known as 'Gas-lighting'. Gas-lighting is such a dangerous form of abuse in that it's ambient. You can't prove it is happening and the abusers aim is to make you feel as though you're losing your mind. Over a long period of time this sort of abuse is very detrimental to one's self-esteem.
In this phase he would tell me I was crazy, irrational and sensitive. He would tell me that I was a nag and because of that sometimes he didn't want to be around me.
The shift between this phase and phase one was quick; it was not natural at all.
That December we had attended an event together. At this event he became incredibly intoxicated (his norm) and spent the evening quite literally slobbering all over a young woman who was also in attendance. He rarely left her side unless to bring her a drink and feigned interest in her life and what she was talking about. Sadly he just looked like a drunk old man who was annoying this young woman. People started to comment to me about it "Oh my god, do you see him? He's all over that girl" or "He's really smitten with her, that's really creepy".
Needless to say I was quite upset although I didn't show it. At the end of the event we went home and as per usual he would get into bed and demand I take my clothes off which I would pretend to do knowing in a matter of minutes he was going to be in his alcoholic-induced-coma. I made sure that he was comfortable (because I'm like that) and made sure that he was propped up in case he was sick and then proceeded to go downstairs where I spent the rest of the evening into the early morning crying. I never thought I would have to feel this way again. I never thought that he would do this in front of me knowing what I'd already been through.
When I eventually confronted him with my feelings about this he told me to stop being so insecure. That being insecure made me look unattractive. He also denied that it ever happened and told me I needed to get over it.
Christmas came and went. He was going to spend Christmas day with his ex-wife and kids which was not odd to me at all; I do the same thing. He told me he didn't like Christmas, that he wasn't traditional but we did end up having a small Christmas at my house together. When I say a small Christmas thing I mean he opened the gifts I bought him while he watched Netflix and I cooked dinner. Not that it's about gifts or anything, but he did actually buy me something that year; it was an afterthought. We had been at the mall buying him a new shirt and he took me to the perfume department where he grabbed some off the shelf, paid for it and handed it to me. Definitely nothing like the man I'd fallen in love with.
The 'fateful day' or the 'turning point' as I'd like to call it happened in early January. We were out and I had way too much tequila. (Not something I do on a regular basis!). We were at this pub and he sat with his back to me the entire time talking to this woman we both knew. I literally was left sitting there talking to the bar tender and looked glaringly like a third wheel.
It was in this moment that (as the story goes) I stood up and announced "You know what? I can do this too! I'm not desperate you know; I can get laid if I wanted to" which very well may have been what I said but he didn't even turn around. I got up and started playing darts with this group of guys; yes that was it - Darts. While he continued to chat with this woman I threw a few darts. When I sat back down one of the guys gave me his business card (which sadly I don't remember.. I wonder where he is now? hah jokes) and we all left.
It's so strange looking back on things and seeing them for the first time.
That night I was so sick. I felt fevered and was vomiting and had a massive headache. Like everyone who hangs there head over the porcelain throne I thought I probably had alcohol poisoning.
I really don't mean to be lewd in this next paragraph but I feel it's significant. It speaks to his mental state and his loss of control.
Every time I would return from the bathroom after having vomited he would climb on top of me and have sex with me. I was so sick and I remember wondering why he was doing that. He seemed angry and annoyed at me and finally at one point I had to push him off of me so I could literally run to the bathroom and throw up again.
Why is this significant? After some therapy sessions and talking to others in the same boat, this was the only time I had ever given him reason to doubt my loyalty to him. His perceived take on what I had done or the message I was trying to send him meant that I no longer worshiped the ground he walked on. I had taken his weak sense of self and given it a shake. His act of constantly climbing on me was an assurance that I still wanted him, that he was still the "King" and that I still needed him. It was also to let me know that he was in charge.
The next day I found a business card and confused by it asked him if it belonged to him. I will never forget that look on his face when he turned to me and said "No it's yours Heather from your boyfriend last night".
And for the next year he set out on his plan to devalue me, this is how 2016 began for me.
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