Rise Up

“I currently have someone in my life who makes me smile every day.  Who makes me feel worthy of being adored”

I wrote that two months into my relationship with my narcissist.  This will be my last blog post on the subject as I’m currently in the throes of writing a book on narcissist abuse, but I thought I’d close off the topic of narcissism with this one last post.

The last two weeks have been very difficult for me.  Difficult in ways that are very hard to explain.  In my last blogs I had mentioned that the narcissist in my life had discarded me quite quickly and had moved on to a girl twenty years his junior.  What I didn’t mention is that he also had a wife that I believed he was separated from for quite some time.

The feelings I have about these two things are hard to come to terms with. 

First, I cannot believe that I was put in the position of being the other woman.  This hurts me and I will forever be sorry for the role I played in the destruction of their marriage.  Remember I too was cheated on.  I have always been about supporting other women and lifting them up.  To hear that they had not been separated, that they shared a bed and that she still took care of him made me feel sick to my very core. I was able to apologize to her but will be forever sorry to her. 

Second, knowing that he had moved on so quickly.  Yes, this was actually a feeling.  Two weeks prior to this ‘event’ I asked him straight up if there was anyone else and he said “NO”; that he did not want to have a relationship with anyone.  He did not want the complications of that and all he wanted was to be alone.  We’d had many conversations about this in the past, when he was breaking up with me as well.  So when I heard about this other woman it felt like a slap in the face. 

Third, knowing that he had started dating this girl months ago and that he was also sleeping with me.  So I was the ‘other woman’ in both situations?  I was the other woman with his wife and now I’m the woman he’s been cheating on with his girlfriend?

Fourth, when I asked him why he lied to me and hadn’t told me about this girlfriend he responded that it was because “he didn’t know how he felt about her yet”, but later eluded to the fact he’d already fallen in love with her.

Fifth (and then I’ll stop I promise) when I realized who this woman was and how young she was and how they met it was like I was hearing a story about a strange man; somebody that I never knew, loved or respected.

And that’s the awful truth of it.  I never knew him.

There is this sickness I feel for his wife, for his girlfriend and frankly for myself. 

The last few weeks I have felt fear like I’ve never felt fear before.  There is an overwhelming sense of dread that I feel when I am in places where I may run into him.  My heart races, I look around frantically, I feel hot; this is a full blown anxiety attack and I have not experienced these since the death of my brother.

For two years of my life I was in love with someone who was non-existent.  A con.  I have shared everything there is to know about me with this person.  I trusted him.  I believed him.  I looked up to him for support and for validation and all of it was a lie.

I am feeling this fear because the person I knew (or thought I knew) would have never done this to another human being and so now I am concerned that because I have exposed him he will vindicate himself somehow.  I see him as this raging psychopath and I no longer feel safe.

For those of you who have been reading my blogs and reaching out to me I thank you.  I feel your pain.  It is so hard to describe these things to someone who hasn’t lived it because they seem so very unreal but trust me this is as real as it gets.

If you too are suffering from anxiety, panic or fear please note the following:

Writing is a very helpful tool.  I have always used writing as a way to heal my way through life.  It’s cathartic, hence the reason for my book.  You don’t have to do a public blog but get a journal.  Make is a pretty one and call it your healing journal.

Reading.  Read everything you can about narcissists and narcissistic abuse.  Some of it is hard to read but you will feel less alone as it will feel very familiar to you.

Talking.  I don’t have a lot of people who I can talk to about this.  Victims in this situation feel that others think they’re exaggerating.  Victims of abuse (any kind) feel that they are annoying people with their stories.  Do me a favour.  Find that one person you can talk to and talk.  I am so thankful for the handful of people (which includes my mother) that I can talk to without feeling judged or demeaned.

Exercise.  It’s so strange but during the devaluation phase I had no motivation to do anything.  I was so into physical fitness and then all of a sudden I just dropped it.  I read that this is typical; that the motivation to do anything (especially to take care of yourself) just goes away.  You have been devalued to the point where you don’t care about yourself anymore either.  I’ll tell you this, I’m back at it.  Over the last two weeks I’ve had some good runs, a good hike, started rowing and yoga.  It is after those sessions that I feel so happy and in control of my life again.  There is a lot to be said for that high you get after physical fitness.  I choose exercise over medication and although I know that isn’t possible for everyone I encourage you to try it.

Meditate.  I have not been sleeping.  In the quiet moments my mind is constantly going over and over all of the ‘things’.  I will wake up and remember something that I saw or something that he said and I’ll think about it for the remainder of the night.  If I hear a sound I convince myself that someone is breaking in.  If I take the time to meditate before bed (or anytime that I need it) I have a more fitful sleep.

Faith.  I am not a religious person per se but I find faith in other things and that has helped me to heal. I have always been quite spiritual but let this dissipate when I realized that he thought any form of spiritualism was ridiculous.

Rise Up.  This person has already wasted, stolen and destroyed too much of your life.  Don’t give them any more of it.  I’m sure my narcissist will love reading about how I’m fearful of him I mean what an ego boost, but I don’t care, he’s a no body.  When I say rise I really mean RISE, I mean get the f-up and do your thing!  Live your life!  Write your book! See your friends!  The narcissist was with you because you’re everything that they want to be and so the biggest revenge is to continue to be it!  Be you!  If you need to find yourself again then take the time to do that.  Living a full and happy life is the best revenge ever.

About seven months ago I wrote this:

“I’m sick of this!  I have been walking around on egg shells.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I have been depressed for six months now and what for?  Nothing!!  I have had no motivation to do anything.  I have had no motivation to go for a run.  I’ve been such an unhappy mother.  He doesn’t even care in fact he’s incredibly cold.  He is sucking the life out of me!! I am so done. No More”.

Sound familiar?