From Discard to Healing

It was about two months before finding out about my narcissist that I started having this reoccurring dream.  I would wake up in a drenched sweat; a complete panic unable to catch my breath.  I am now convinced that this dream was a premonition, my intuition giving me a much needed warning.

In this dream I am fishing with him. We are fishing and I catch a big fish but in trying to reel the fish in I fall off the side of the boat.  I’m laughing but shaken.  When he reaches for me I see an icy coldness in his eyes and a small smile played upon his lips.  Instead of reaching for me he holds my head under the water until I can no longer breathe.  I am struggling and trying to hold onto the edges of the boat so that I don’t slide under.  Right at the moment where I lose my grip, I wake up choking and gasping for air.

I had this dream over and over.  I felt like it was telling me that I needed to move on; that our relationship had not been good for some time and it was time to finally let go.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that he would later kill my spirit and that he would do it with the same small grin on his face.

The last four months of my life with this person was very damaging.  It was not only damaging to my spirit it was damaging to my health both physical and mental.

In October I remember having him back to my home.  He always enjoyed when I made him dinner and so I was bringing him to my home so I could make his usual meatloaf and gravy.  He was so rude while he was here but I attributed it to him having a cold.  It was when he was at my home after I’d made him dinner, bought him cold medication and made tea with honey that he looked at me and said “Heather, you’re a good bitch”. It was also during this trip that I saw strange notes on his IPad.  He had the notes open as he was helping me type a LinkedIn profile (which I didn’t use) but these notes said stuff like “I feel so lonely when you are not around” and other very romantic things.  When I asked him he said “Oh my god woman you are so paranoid!  I always write down movie quotes I like and this other thing was something I was helping my child with”. 

In November it was my birthday and he was also celebrating a recent project at work.  We went away to one of the places that we had been to before where we spent the weekend hiking, drinking, listening to music and having fun.  I won’t lie, this trip made me hopeful that one day we would be back together.  He was so kind while we were there, he even said that it amazed him that being with me was just as relaxing and rewarding as hanging out with his friends.  That when he was with me was the only time he felt really relaxed.  The week after this vacation however he told me ‘nothing had changed’.

In December we were together and I was crying because something was happening with one of my family members which had me very stressed out.  I was just lying there in bed crying and crying.  He didn’t reach out to me he didn’t ask me if I was okay, he just watched Netflix.  When he did reach out to me it was to ask me if I wanted to order Chinese food.   It was also on this occasion while we were intimate together that he looked at me up and down, scowled and said “Are you still working out”?

I don’t know why I agreed to see him at all in January.  New Year’s Day I was so depressed that he hadn’t called me that I stayed in bed most of the day.  When I asked him if he was there with someone else he laughed his laugh and told me no.  Still however when he came to town we were together.  He was so rude to me on this trip, but I was happy to see him. 

Later in January I found out some information that infuriated me and I told him I hated him.  Although we were never together again after that date he said on more than one occasion “You shouldn’t have said that to me Heather”.

In February is when I went away with my friends and I was so glad.  I was in a place where I couldn’t get phone reception and where I could clear my mind.  The second day back he phoned to see if I had fun and whether I had a safe trip.

You see in any other normal situation that would be fine, but when you’re dealing with a narcissist there is always an ulterior motive.

In April of this year I was sitting at my desk one day when he texted me.  It was such a nice text I thought maybe he had turned a corner, but as he continued to text me I realized it wasn’t him.  I called him and asked him if he was texting me and he said no to which I replied “Well someone is”. 

His response?

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” shouting at me.

It was on this day that I found out that he was still very married, not separated at all.  I felt like someone had taken all of the breath out of me.  I felt sick and panicked in fact I could hardly believe it.  I said “No! What did YOU do?” I said “I thought you were separated!!!” to which he replied “I am!”

The texts to me where – “She is lying, we are separated!” – “She is smart and cunning Heather!”

The texts to her where – “Don’t listen to her she was just a hook up” – “She is spinner of tales and a liar”.

I am actually not sure what is worse, finding out that he had a wife or finding out from his wife that he also had a new girlfriend since October.  It was a serious case of mind-fuckery because a part of you feels so terrible and sick for being the other woman and a part of you feels used because he’s been cheating on his new girlfriend with you.  You feel so terrible for the wife and jealous in a really sad way of the girlfriend (you will learn through healing that there is still a part of you that thinks you're special to him and thinks that you can be the one to save him) but sad for everyone involved.

When I found out about his new girlfriend I said “Are you kidding me? I just asked you two weeks ago if there was someone else and you said no!  You and I went away together in November and you started seeing her in October?”

Describing the feeling of all of this raining down on you at once is almost indescribable.  He kept repeating over and over “I thought you wanted me to be happy!  I thought you wanted me to be happy!” it was seriously messed up. 

When I asked him again how he could still be with me if he had moved on he said “SO WHAT! WE WERE OVER! GET OVER IT!” which didn’t answer my question at all.  I realized in that moment he was only keeping me around until he’d had time to fully qualify his new ‘supply’ and once she was qualified I was out.

I knew who this girl was and was sickened because I knew how old she was and how they met and I now could draw lines to the events that happened including his scowling at my body, I mean I'm no chump but I'm definitely not a 25 year old! That ship has sailed, no wonder he scowled at me. Knowing that in January he had actually seen her on the same day he slept with me, and I picked him up! Knowing now that those notes I found on his IPad were pruning notes with this girl and that he was in MY bed when I read them? There is more that I could say here but don’t want to risk exposing her; it’s not her fault.

Part of me wonders however how he managed as this broke, old, less than stellar, alcoholic, gambler who thought that any sort of spiritualism was hokey could actually attract this woman but that’s not for me to wonder anymore; his wife wondered the same thing about me and truthfully I had no answers.

I was able to connect with his wife via telephone which was somewhat helpful.  I felt this overwhelming need to apologize to her but also because I too had been the wife whose husband had cheated and wanted to give her the closure she deserved.

In my final communication with my narcissist he accused me of destroying him and of taking his kids away from him.  

True to form the narcissist will not take accountability for anything, it is never their fault.

And now the healing begins. 

I realize that expecting any sort of validation, apology or remorse is unrealistic.  I have decided to take 100% responsibility for my life.  

Although the writer in me wanted to tell him exactly how I felt, and the fighter in me wanted to curb stomp him (sorry but I was very angry) I realized in reacting or communicating with him again in any way would do nothing but give him satisfaction.  No contact with your narcissist is the best idea.

I know that it is okay to keep my memories, even my good ones.  I know that none of this was my fault and that despite him telling people I was irrational and delusional because he broke up with me all I can do is keep myself safe from him.  

I know that in the future I will need to be vulnerable again and that it’s okay to trust myself.  I am allowed to grieve the person I thought he was and the life I thought I would have, even if none of it was real.  To me at the time it was very real.  It’s okay for me to be angry!  Anger is integral in the healing process.

What has happened will forever leave a deep scar in my life but I’m starting to see the light.  I realize all of the positives that can come out of this situation, the biggest one is being free from him.

If you are suffering from any sort of PTSD including nightmares, anxiety and/or panic attacks, crying spells; please know this is very normal.  Don’t suppress it!  Get it out! 

Narcissistic abuse is rarely talked about because there are no physical scars. Rest assured narcissistic abuse is very real and very evil, one could argue that the mental and emotional scars these abusers leave behind are worse, I mean they make you question your own sanity.  You are the only person in the world who has control of your life, never give the narc in your life control ever again.  

Take your life back. Your goal in life is to be everything that your abuser knew you were before he chose you.

*STRONG

*LOVING

*GIVING

Although I have chosen to write about my experience at the risk of sending a message to my narcissist that I still somehow pine after him, it is important to realize that the sooner you stop playing the victim the better.  The day you wake up and take your life back is the day you win.

I am no longer a victim in this.  I am a survivor of this and so are you.