I'm Good at Breaking Up!

Healing is not easy.

I started to try to heal from this months ago and, although I thought I was doing a pretty good job at the  whole healing thing “the week” happened and well here I am back in this dark place.

I read a quote once though that is floating around in my mind now keeping me sane; “sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried but actually you’ve been planted”; that’s how I’m choosing to look at this.

Sometimes it is through these destructive times that we recreate ourselves.  It is during those times that we are reborn in many ways.  Many of us sit in the rubble a little too long and sometimes we sit there forever, but all that does is breed depression, anxiety, contempt, distrust, and anger.

Instead of thinking your heart is breaking this of it as hatching.

One of the readers of my blog pointed out a very valid fact.  Perhaps in writing this blog my narcissist will think I’m still in love with him and that I’m writing this blog because I cannot possibly go on.  If you’ve been paying attention you will realize that those are the exact emotions that feed the ego of the narcissist and so I thought it best to clarify.

I know already that he is telling people that I just couldn’t handle the pain of this break up and that because of it I’ve become irrational and delusional but this isn’t true at all.  In dumping me he has given me a gift.  I could not have imagined coming to this same end years down the road when I’d invested more time and energy.  I’m glad he dumped me. 

There is however a heart-breaking brokenness.

Imagine loving a person for so long and finding out they never loved you in return.  Imagine learning that they never had good intentions and that you believed that they loved you enough to never hurt you in this way.

When I was trying to talk to him about what he had done and the recent turn of events he was shouting in the phone “What!!?? Get over it!! You loved ME I never loved YOU”, and as sad as that sounds it was actually an odd conversation because we were not talking about love or our relationship at all.  It was a technique he uses called ‘word salad’ where he speaks in circles to confuse the situation in an effort to avoid telling the truth.  He knew that I loved him and I won’t deny that, it’s who I am; but he was purposefully flinging those words at me to hurt and shame me and to get me to stop asking him probing questions.

To be honest, my first instinct (like any other woman) was to remind him of all of the times he said he loved me, but by this point I realized that he was not the person I ever thought he was and that reminding him of all of these times would fall on deaf ears. There was no point. He is a narcissist, he does not understand love.  It would mean nothing to him that I am hurting.

Just like any form of abuse you often sit back in the quiet and second guess everything.  You second guess the situation, you second guess your feelings about the situation and there is even a little part of you that thinks perhaps you are blowing this out of proportion.

But let me get real with you here.

I am GOOD at breaking up.

I am so good at breaking up that I could probably put it on my resume. (Ask my ex-husband; he reads my blogs!) What I mean by that is I am a realist.  I know that not everything is meant forever.  I know that mistakes happen and that people move on.  I mean I’ve broken up many times!  I’ve been married and divorced twice!! I can’t think of any one of them that I’m not actually friends with.  Breaking up happens!

I am not some desperate and delusional woman who doesn’t think life will go on because he’s not in it!

A discard however is very different than a break up.

It is very hard to describe a manipulation of this magnitude, especially when you’ve been the one manipulated.  These people lead you to believe that they still need you.  That they are going through such pain and suffering in their lives and that everyone before you has abandoned them.

It is not in my nature to abandon people.

To make it clear, a good example of this behavior happened just this past November.  We went away together, partly to celebrate my birthday.

There was no expectation from me that this meant we were getting back together.  I was fully convinced he was going through some awful trauma and that he wasn’t ready for that.  Truthfully, I loved him; I wanted to be there.  I enjoyed his company.  While we were there we laughed so hard and we danced.  We went hiking in the rain and made some fun meals.  He said things to me like “You know you are the only woman that I can be my true self with.  You are the only woman I can do this with; go away and feel no stress at all.  It’s like I’m in the woods with my buddies.”

I mean that’s nice right? Touching?

I found out last week that he started seeing someone in October; one month prior to this trip.  When I questioned him on the phone (albeit in complete and utter stunned shock) he was pissed off.  He said “We weren’t together! I ended it!” meaning to be clear that he and I were not a couple and that he had ended it with me which made the situation somehow OK?

To him my tears and grief in learning this were unwarranted because as he said “WE WERE OVER”; but I’m a human being and if I didn’t feel any pain about this, then there would definitely be something very wrong with me.

The narcissist doesn’t see things this way.

He is delusional.  Once all of this came to a head he had texted me and said “someday we will all be friends”.  That sentence alone spoke to his shallowness I mean seriously?  Not on your life.

I did not respond because how does one even respond to that and who exactly did he mean by “we”?  I over analyze everything, but when it comes to things like this it’s just so far off in left field that you have to kind of leave it there.

His sense of self is inflated.   I was not in love with him because of the money he makes, or his smooth moves or anything of the sort.  He is in immense debt, is an alcoholic and is incredibly insecure.  He was no prize.

Sadly, I loved him because I loved him.  I loved him because I thought he was good.  I loved him because I thought I could be the one person who didn’t abandon him.  I didn’t lose here.  He lost.  I am a good person.  Not perfect at all trust me!  But I’m empathetic, caring, sincere and loyal which is more than anything he has to offer.

That is as complicated as it gets.

Yes, I have been replanted.  Although the last week has been hurtful it has actually been the only time in the last two years where I didn’t check my phone every five seconds waiting for him to text me.  It’s the only time in two years that I didn’t care what he was doing; it was refreshing.

Things in life happen to us for a reason.  Frankly I really feel like I’ve had more than my fair share.  Today however I think I figured out the reason, because I’m feeling empowered and strong.  I hope my story helps someone else in the same situation.  Telling this deeply personal story is my gift to you.