Hope
One thing that happens to victims of narcissistic abuse during the devaluation stage is the victims feel a strong sense of hope.
They miss that person that they fell in love with initially and they hope that person re-appears. They are sorry for all that they have done to cause this person any pain. I spent most of 2016 apologizing, and sometimes I wasn't even sure what I was apologizing for.
I have literally been apologizing my whole life for the person that I am, and I continued to do so passionately in 2016. I apologized for being needy and angry and suspicious of everything. I apologized for all the pain that I had caused him (yes, even his very last text to me said "You hurt me").
In 2016 I was sleeping with two men; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wasn't too sure which one I would get and the reason I say 'sleeping with two men' is because our 'relationship' was over, but was it? It was always so confusing as to whether it was or whether it wasn't.
He clearly said it was over, yet he would somehow hook (or hoover) me back in.
Sometimes, especially after drinking his mask would slip. He would say things like "I'm not a good person" or "I have major issues". He would say "Why are you here?" and laugh about that or "I am fucked up". Like any person would do any time he would say these things I would tell him that he was wrong, that he was a good person, that he was just hurting. If only I had realized then what I know now.
One evening was really quite strange, he laid there on my chest for almost an hour and said nothing. I don't know if this was staged to make me feel sorry for him, but it felt real and perhaps in that moment that was the most real I had ever seen him. Weak, small, insecure and in need.
During this period of time I was pent up with nervous energy all of the time. I was forced to accept responsibility for things that I didn't say or do. I was worried about who I was hanging out with and what I was saying. I remember him asking me in a kind way how dinner was when I had gone out with a male friend of mine, and after I told him it was great and that we had a good time his voice changed and he said "Did you fuck him?"
If I told him that I was going out for drinks with my friends he would suggest that I was going out to a sleazy pick up bar, and after what I'd done to him he couldn't trust me. He also suggested my friends were not my friends at all.
I spent a lot of weekends at home doing nothing, which is ok but it's not because that is what I wanted it's because I didn't want him to mistrust me. I was trying to win his affections back and I was trying to prove to him that I wasn't who he kept saying I was.
I was even afraid of what I was wearing and the words I was using because somehow I always made the wrong decision and any time another male would speak to me it was only because he wanted to sleep with me which I probably invited some how.
I would cry and beg him for forgiveness. When I say cry I would sob to him and he would just listen or stare at me.
He told me once that even though I thought the worst time I'd ever hurt him was when I shamelessly flirted with the guy at the pub, it wasn't that time at all. He said I'd hurt him several times but the worst time was when I walked out of his hotel room once after packing my bags. I don't remember what he said but it was during that time when the devaluation had just started and I was crying and I packed my bags and left. He caught up to me and he told me I was crazy and he laughed at me and I went back but later he brought this moment up as the worst time I'd ever hurt him because he said the act of me walking out reminded him of the time his father left their family.
Are you kidding me?
I remember when I'd had enough I went on a date with someone. He and I were not in a relationship after all and he kept reminding of that on a daily basis. He would tell me to move on, and so I was. After that date he wanted to know everything (the date wasn't very good unfortunately and I hardly got through the appetizer). Later he threw that in my face like he was incredibly angry I went on a date even though he kept telling me to.
Confusion doesn't even cut it.
I tried marking my calendars with 'x' so that I could celebrate how many days I could go without speaking to him but then he'd call me. There was a pattern, a week before seeing me he'd be sweet and say he missed me, then he'd see me and be a complete jerk, and then he would leave and tell me nothing had changed; that it was still over.
His go-to phrases (and he had many) were "You should have trusted US" - "You should have believed in me" - "I am not going to respond to you when you ask me dumb questions".
There was another time while trying to move on that I did a blog about what I wanted in a man. He was so angry at this blog. He called me and said "MOVE ON HEATHER..shouting as had become his norm. obviously you don't want me because I have none of the qualities on that list". All of this back and forth was the best type of gas lighting I have ever read about. I knew we were over but I felt he still loved me and that he couldn't be with me because he was hurting. As insane as that sounds that is what gas lighting does. I no longer was able to determine what was real.
Complimentary and kind one minute - accusatory and mean the next.
They miss that person that they fell in love with initially and they hope that person re-appears. They are sorry for all that they have done to cause this person any pain. I spent most of 2016 apologizing, and sometimes I wasn't even sure what I was apologizing for.
I have literally been apologizing my whole life for the person that I am, and I continued to do so passionately in 2016. I apologized for being needy and angry and suspicious of everything. I apologized for all the pain that I had caused him (yes, even his very last text to me said "You hurt me").
In 2016 I was sleeping with two men; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wasn't too sure which one I would get and the reason I say 'sleeping with two men' is because our 'relationship' was over, but was it? It was always so confusing as to whether it was or whether it wasn't.
He clearly said it was over, yet he would somehow hook (or hoover) me back in.
Sometimes, especially after drinking his mask would slip. He would say things like "I'm not a good person" or "I have major issues". He would say "Why are you here?" and laugh about that or "I am fucked up". Like any person would do any time he would say these things I would tell him that he was wrong, that he was a good person, that he was just hurting. If only I had realized then what I know now.
One evening was really quite strange, he laid there on my chest for almost an hour and said nothing. I don't know if this was staged to make me feel sorry for him, but it felt real and perhaps in that moment that was the most real I had ever seen him. Weak, small, insecure and in need.
During this period of time I was pent up with nervous energy all of the time. I was forced to accept responsibility for things that I didn't say or do. I was worried about who I was hanging out with and what I was saying. I remember him asking me in a kind way how dinner was when I had gone out with a male friend of mine, and after I told him it was great and that we had a good time his voice changed and he said "Did you fuck him?"
If I told him that I was going out for drinks with my friends he would suggest that I was going out to a sleazy pick up bar, and after what I'd done to him he couldn't trust me. He also suggested my friends were not my friends at all.
I spent a lot of weekends at home doing nothing, which is ok but it's not because that is what I wanted it's because I didn't want him to mistrust me. I was trying to win his affections back and I was trying to prove to him that I wasn't who he kept saying I was.
I was even afraid of what I was wearing and the words I was using because somehow I always made the wrong decision and any time another male would speak to me it was only because he wanted to sleep with me which I probably invited some how.
I would cry and beg him for forgiveness. When I say cry I would sob to him and he would just listen or stare at me.
He told me once that even though I thought the worst time I'd ever hurt him was when I shamelessly flirted with the guy at the pub, it wasn't that time at all. He said I'd hurt him several times but the worst time was when I walked out of his hotel room once after packing my bags. I don't remember what he said but it was during that time when the devaluation had just started and I was crying and I packed my bags and left. He caught up to me and he told me I was crazy and he laughed at me and I went back but later he brought this moment up as the worst time I'd ever hurt him because he said the act of me walking out reminded him of the time his father left their family.
Are you kidding me?
I remember when I'd had enough I went on a date with someone. He and I were not in a relationship after all and he kept reminding of that on a daily basis. He would tell me to move on, and so I was. After that date he wanted to know everything (the date wasn't very good unfortunately and I hardly got through the appetizer). Later he threw that in my face like he was incredibly angry I went on a date even though he kept telling me to.
Confusion doesn't even cut it.
I tried marking my calendars with 'x' so that I could celebrate how many days I could go without speaking to him but then he'd call me. There was a pattern, a week before seeing me he'd be sweet and say he missed me, then he'd see me and be a complete jerk, and then he would leave and tell me nothing had changed; that it was still over.
His go-to phrases (and he had many) were "You should have trusted US" - "You should have believed in me" - "I am not going to respond to you when you ask me dumb questions".
There was another time while trying to move on that I did a blog about what I wanted in a man. He was so angry at this blog. He called me and said "MOVE ON HEATHER..shouting as had become his norm. obviously you don't want me because I have none of the qualities on that list". All of this back and forth was the best type of gas lighting I have ever read about. I knew we were over but I felt he still loved me and that he couldn't be with me because he was hurting. As insane as that sounds that is what gas lighting does. I no longer was able to determine what was real.
Complimentary and kind one minute - accusatory and mean the next.
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