Who The Hell Am I?

I have had a tough couple months.

Probably no tougher than any of you; everything is relative.

I spent a lot of time reflecting over the last little while.  

I’d browse the books at Chapters; the ones that make you list all the things about yourself; the ones that start off by saying “What is your passion in life”, and I was perplexed quite honestly.  I realized pretty quickly that at 43 years old I had no idea how to fill this shit out.

I mean shouldn’t I know these things about myself at almost ‘mid -life’? (Sorry I’m not ready to commit to mid-life completely).

It started to bother me, maybe more than it should but I thought, damn those books I’m going to buy one and I’m going to fill it out.  Not only am I going to fill it out; I’m going to put so much in that damn book that I’m going to run out of room.

After feverishly filling out these ridiculous lists I ran out of steam, and I wasn’t even sure if what I’d filled out was authentically me.

That is when the reality of my life thus far hit me.

For as long as I can remember I’ve lived my life for someone else.

I’ve always been afraid to be completely authentic for fear there was something wrong with me.

Two husbands and a handful of boyfriends later I think “Who the hell am I”?

The need for acceptance is powerful.  We all want people to accept us.  We want them to like us.  Of course there is that group of people who say “nah, I don’t give a shit” but most of us do; at least on some level.

I’ll admit that my need for acceptance was quite high.  We could analyze that and probably come to the conclusion it’s because I have Daddy issues, but I don’t want this particular blog to take that direction.

Bottom line is I’ve spent my whole life trying to get people to like me and when they don’t it gives me anxiety.

I’ll admit, I care less about it now.  I’ve done so much soul searching and healing that for the first time in over a year I'm starting to feel happy.  For the first time in over a year I can fill out a damn list in one of those asinine books!

For those of you who have asked yourselves the same question; don’t fret.  In trying to figure out who I am and what I like I’ve also decided that it doesn’t really matter!  We all change.  If not by evolution or maturity its because we make choices.  Change is the only way we evolve.  If we don’t change we don’t evolve.  And so today I might really love beautiful architecture and sea turtles but tomorrow I might feel differently.

Embrace who you are now.  Love yourself.  If someone has been telling you that you are not good enough then you shouldn’t have those people in your life.  It’s quite simple.  If you’re out there dating as I know many of you are, and someone doesn’t like you because you dropped the f-bomb or wore a purple shirt then move on! 

We all need to stop taking things so personally.  There are people out there that love us just the way we are.  Damaged, crazy, you name it!  There is someone out there that will love it ~ love YOU!  

If you walk around all sad with this shadow looming over you that says “I’m not good enough” then that my friends is exactly what people are going to think of you!

It’s amazing what can happen when you finally stand up straight and smile.

Trust me, I know.