My Dance With A Narcissist

I am a smart woman.  I am a strong woman.

Imagine how shocked I was to discover recently that I had been the victim of a narcissist.

Because I respect some of the people unwittingly involved in this con; I can only share the effects of narcissistic abuse without honing in on the details.

In my first sentence I tell you that I am a smart and strong woman because I am, but the reason I'm telling you that is because this can happen to anyone it does not only happen to the weak.

Ironically a few months ago when I first started talking to someone about my 'issues' he said to me "Heather, you are the victim of narcissistic abuse".  I remember shaking my head telling him that he couldn't possibly understand what I was saying then because I was most definitely not the victim of any sort of abuse. One of my own friends who does criminal profiling said "Girlfriend leave this dude NOW.. he is a narcissist".  In both situations I ignored them; no way would I let that happen to me.

Today I have this huge weight sitting on my chest and I'm finding it literally hard to breathe.  Over the course of a week so many things have been brought to my attention which shatters but some how make sense of the last two years of my life.

Today as I sit here writing this blog I realize with absolute certainty that I have been victimized; and because I am me it is an embarrassment.

Unbeknownst to me these types of people seek out successful and independent people.  They do this because being with someone who is successful or attractive or well-educated; independent makes them look better it brings admiration to their own attributes.

In the idealization phase; the phase in which I fell in love with my narcissist; life was wonderful.  He told me I was beautiful, that I was sexy that I was the only woman who had ever made him feel happy.  He told me that when he was around me it made him want to celebrate life.  Over the next six months we went on trips, we talked about moving closer together and we bonded.  I told him everything about my life because he wanted to know.  In retrospect what was happening here was that he wanted me to feel attached to him.  He had appeared in my life at a time when I was feeling insecure, unworthy and vulnerable.  My husband had been cheating on me and my life was in shambles and in he walks and says "You are worth it".

This is what happens.

I will not lie and without sounding too cliche I thought he was the wind beneath my wings.  With him in my life everything was better.  I could run faster and further and I was rebuilding my self-esteem.  I fell in love with him quite quickly.

Throughout this relationship however there were so many warning signs that I chose to ignore.  My closest friends cautioned me all of the time but I refused to listen to them.  In my opinion they just didn't understand this complicated individual but I did, I knew him and I needed to be there for him when no one else was.

After almost a year things started to change dramatically.  I would see him flirting openly with other woman and he would hide things from me.  He would proceed to tell me that I was imagining things, that I was crazy.  This manipulation tactic made me doubt myself and almost every thought I had going forward.

He would accuse me of flirting with others which somehow shifted his negative behavior to me; and you know what? I took it!  I was so sorry and apologetic all of the time.  I remember telling him about how this man who I barely even spoke to was sending me lewd texts and he yelled into the phone "WHAT DID YOU DO?".   He even suggested that I had probably given him an invitation because of what I was wearing.  He became excessively cruel in these situations making me feel ashamed of myself.

We broke up officially almost a year ago but continued to go away together and be together.  He left me feeling like the demise of our relationship was all my fault.  When we first broke up he said "How could you do this to me? I cared about you!  I felt like a KING when I was with you".

His conversations were all over the place going around and around in circles distracting me from what we were even talking about.  Although he would tell me he hated drama he created it always and seemed to thrive off of it.  He would deliberately twist my words and my thoughts so that I couldn't even follow what he was saying anymore; even sharing my real life experiences with him gave him permission to point out my character flaws and tell me how irrational I was.  I was too sensitive, I had anger issues, I was insecure.

My self-esteem was gone again.  He would nit pick everything that I would do.  He would question what kind of clothes I would wear when he was in town versus when he wasn't.  I could never please him anymore. He would tell me exactly what I should say to people and how I should say it.  I remember joking that maybe he should give me some cue cards.

 Each time I tried to get his approval he would 'move the goal posts' to make pleasing him unattainable.

Trust me, when I write this it isn't easy but I feel it is so important to tell so that others do not become a victim of the same abuse.

He made covert threats like "it's always the woman who loses" or in situations where someone was hitting on me "It's always the woman who gets blamed".  Any time I would mention a friend he would tell me why that person wasn't really my friend and how I should stop thinking that they were.  That a real friend wouldn't treat me the way they had.

This person knew about all of my insecurities and would use them against me.  He even suggested that perhaps the reason that my husband cheated on me and that my family member was mentally ill was because I had somehow caused it.

It is very difficult to leave a narcissist.  In the beginning they draw you in; this is called 'traumatic bonding'.  He made me believe that I needed him.  He would say "You need me" - "I am here to protect you" - "You are mine" and then during the rapid discarding of you they start belittling you, ignoring you, blaming you and shaming you.

I thought this person whom I loved was strong and kind.  I thought he was smart and fun and witty.  Over the past few months however and especially the last few weeks I have learned that he was actually insecure, entitled and had major self-esteem issues himself; he was projecting his feelings of inadequacy to me.

I would say to him "how can you treat me this way" and he would always throw it back at me.  He would say "treat you this way, what are you talking about"?  At this point I distrusted my own reality and so I just let it continue.  He would yell into the phone "WE ARE OVER" if I asked him a question he didn't want to answer but then we would go away together.

I realize how this sounds however just like with any sort of abuse you feel like if you somehow caused this person all of this pain then you can somehow fix it.  That you owe this person something. That they have done nothing wrong and it's all you.

I learned last week that this person is actually quite terrifying.  He is cold and calculating.  He is contemptuous.

As hard as it was I tried forgetting about him.  I even set up a calendar on my phone that would count down the days where I wouldn't have to speak with him.  I went away with some friends to Cuba so that I could heal, and I felt like I had made some progress however the next day it is him that calls.

The discard phase for him was swift.  As it turns out he found a new victim, someone else that he is currently in the idealization phase with and unfortunately this person probably thinks he is a as lovely and amazing as I did she too is at a vulnerable stage in her life; going through a messy divorce.

There is so much more I could say.  I'm still struggling today but I truly believe that all things happen for a reason.  My recent dance with this narcissist has changed me as a person.  Although my walls are now unscalable I have learned so much about myself.

I am not embarrassed any longer that this has happened and if it has happened to you then you shouldn't be either.  The moral of the story here is that I came into this relationship a loving and giving person and I leave this relationship as a loving and giving person.  I know now that I did not cause these things and I no longer blame myself.  I am angry that I let myself go through this when the signs were so glaring; especially when my support system was spelling them out to me, but I think I had to go through it.

If anything it will make me stronger.  Pain is the ingredient needed to make a woman a warrior.